Sweet Southern Sunshine

6/6/06

2006-06-06T15:15:00.000-04:00

I'm not one to be superstitious, but that's a little on the creepy side.

I don't really know where I'm at on much of anything these days. Work is good; it's a little like Chili's... I'm not making much money, but I have fun with the people there. Maybe you just can't have both. I'm scared to get drunk these days, because for some reason I've recently decided to start being a depressed drunk. I'll have a great time most of the night, but for some reason or another I'll always end up crying on someone's shoulder at the end of it. I don't know why. It's fairly embarrassing.

My class is almost over; we just have our final test tomorrow and that's it. I have really enjoyed it. I'm telling everyone I know here to take that class with that professor if they can. I'm also going to get an A, that will be a nice little boost for my GPA (it was looking a little sad after this past semester).

Courtney's back now, so we've resumed our trouble-causing routine, to the extent that I've been able to with my class and work to worry about. I've been going to work hungover (or still drunk in some cases) a lot. Good times. I'm afraid of what this summer is going to turn into when my class is over and I'm really free to do whatever. Fortunately there will still be Silver Wings events that we have to take care of. We have to do recruiting events with the guys, and they start eeeearly in the mornings, so that should cut down on the staying up all night some.

I just don't get myself these days. I'm in one of my little funks again. Thinking too much, and yada yada yada. Who knows.

Overdue...

2006-05-21T12:54:00.000-04:00

All this venting I need to do, and most of it I don't want to write down here, so what to do...

I know I haven't written in like a year. I quit my fancy restaurant job, the manager and I just could not seem to see eye to eye on, well, anything. Rather than end up saying something and getting myself fired, I figured I would just leave. There are always restaurants hiring servers; it's true, I found another job within a week. Thank goodness for the high turnover rate of servers haha. Hopefully this new place will be a place I can stay with till graduation. It's more along the lines of my old job, so I was comfortable there almost as soon as I started.

Finals went... well, okay. Everything turned out alright except for math. Stupid stupid math. My brain just does not work that way. So now I get to take precalculus again to get the grade I need to be able to move on to calculus, which I have to take. But I don't want to think about that anymore. I've had a week of my May class already now, and I love it. Since there are only 16 days of classes, there's obviously a lot of work involved, but the teacher is a hoot and the 3 hour daily class flies by. Only two more weeks, and I'll be free for the summer.

My C left me last week to go home for two weeks and have surgery. I miss her, lots. Once she gets back I'll probably end up pretty much moving into her apartment for the rest of the summer. Her roomie (her sister) is gone, and my roomie will be back for her summer classes shortly after C gets back. I feel horrible for saying it, but my roomie drives me insane. She doesn't do anything wrong, but we don't talk, ever, so I feel awkward in my own apartment while she's here. C's got an extra bedroom, so I'll just camp out there till we move to our apartment in August. Right now I'm loving having my own place, even if I'm the only person left in Athens right now to enjoy it. Geez, everyone is gone, and C left (she gets her own category haha), it's lonely here right now.

I went to a Braves game this past Monday, a friend of mine got tickets from her mom. The seats were AMAZING, I've been to a lot of games, but never had seats that good. I was kicking myself all night for deciding against bringing my camera. I could've gotten some really cool pictures from there. It was still a lot of fun though.

Anywho, that's it for now, that I'm going to talk about in here anyway... it's summer!!!

I should be...

2006-05-08T18:38:00.000-04:00

but I'm not. I should be studying my butt off right now, because my two biggest finals are tomorrow. I can't concentrate for the life of me. I'm expecting a study buddy in about a half hour, so maybe that will get me back on track for the evening... hopefully. Until then I thought I'd waste a little time at least being semi-productive here.

I should have spent a little more time on that English paper. I got a B, and now will probably get a B in the class. Oh poo. That was supposed to be my A class this semester. I also failed my math final, literally and very badly. I'm praying my teacher is kind and takes my borderline C/D grade and lets it be a C. A lot is resting on these two finals tomorrow, and I still can't focus.

I like the word poo a lot these days. I don't know why. Poo on finals, for sure. I'm on a big hot tea kick; it's the only caffeinated drink I can make easily (having no sort of coffee making machine). And it tastes good too, and makes you feel all warm and fuzzy... maybe not so helpful to studying. Oh well. I've decided that green tea tastes like mashed up peas for babies. Well, I guess not that I know what they really taste like, but that's how they smell. I still kind of like it though. I guess I like mashed up baby peas. Ick. I'm limited to the kinds of teabags that I can "borrow" from the stash at the dining hall. I'm going to have to go buy my own after tomorrow, no more meal plan!

A lot of people are finished with finals and moving out. I'm jealous, but this also means my neighbors have been very loud. Also not helpful to studying. I'm one of those weirdos that has to have near complete silence to be able to focus on anything. I really haven't studied very much. I think tomorrow I'm going to be sorry.

I really have nothing of great importance to say. After finals are over tomorrow, I'll be much more cheerful, and will report on all the amazing times I've had in the past couple weeks. It's been fun for sure! Right now all I can think about is the amazing magnitude of information I'm supposed to absorb before tomorrow. Ooph.

Oh goodness...

2006-05-03T20:26:00.000-04:00

I've gone and forgotten about blogger again. Full post and report as soon as I get through finals.

Don't you love it when they do that?

2006-04-24T16:55:00.000-04:00

I stay up all night writing that stupid paper (well okay, not all night, but until 1:30), and get to class today to find out the due date was changed to Friday. Oh well, at least it's done. I hope it's good. I hate waiting for things to be graded, it's too suspenseful.

The AC in our room hasn't been working for almost two weeks now. I've called the maintenance people twice now to try and get it fixed and no one showed up until today, thank GOODNESS!! They actually had nothing to do with the people I called, this was just a routine check they were doing in the building, but they fixed it anyway. The funny part is, one of the guys (a student who was just helping out the AC guy I think) couldn't figure out how to get his hair in a ponytail. It was hot in here and he kept trying and couldn't get it so I offered to help. Haha, I ended up putting his hair in a ponytail for him and showing him how to do it. It was quite amusing. I wanted to ask my roomie to take a picture but I didn't want to embarrass him. How random... showing the AC guy how to put hair in a ponytail. That made my day.

I'm very thankful for my weekend right about now. Today is the calm before the storm that is this week. It's gonna be a crazy one. With this new job I'm having to work weeknights too, and during this last week of school that's not really very helpful. I'm going a little nuts trying to figure out how to get everything done. Back to the one day at a time mode of operation. Just one more week! Very exciting.

Eeek...

2006-04-23T19:19:00.000-04:00

I have a 5 page paper due in the morning, and no idea where to start on it. So maybe I should have started earlier, but what fun would that be? I'd rather stress about it now.

This was an amazing weekend! Exactly the kind I needed. Thursday night after work C and I were supposed to go out and start the weekend a little early. It was raining and nasty so we both wimped out, and ended up sitting at her house drinking a little and talking until 5 in the morning. We both learned a lot about each other, haha, and found out that we're even moreso the same person than we thought. It's craziness how well we get along. Most people annoy the stink out of me after spending too much time with them, but I've been with her for practically the past 3 days straight with no problems. I guess it helps that for the most part we generally are thinking the same thing.

Friday was Six Flags. I went to Chili's with A to eat before we went, since it's just down the road from there. I never realized how close Six Flags was to my house before. The forecast said rain all night, but it didn't even threaten until 11:30. It was perfect! It was a blast hanging out with everyone, and we took tons of pictures! C stayed at my house after Six Flags so she didn't have to drive all the way back to school. We had a few drinks, and talked till 5 in the morning, again.

Yesterday we got our pictures developed, which turned out absolutely great! I was afraid that all our random pictures on disposable cameras wouldn't be so great, but they are too cute. We were supposed to go to the birthday party for another one of the girls we're living with next year, but we were so tired and not feeling very social. We ended up going and staying for about five minutes. We came back to my apartment and ordered a pizza and watched movies. I actually got some sleep last night, which was nice.

Goodness, what a weekend. It's been a good one. And WOW, this week is the last full week of school!! That's so hard to believe! But I guess right now I need to figure out what to write and get this paper written. Wish me luck!

Oh yeah, forgot the big news! I'm officially inducted as member and as VP of Silver Wings! C is President! Yup, the group is in trouble now, haha.

Okay,

2006-04-16T23:13:00.000-04:00

so it's not all bad. That was a rough week, but it's over now. It's a new week, and this one is looking mucho better. Busy, but much, much better. I was starting to worry I was never going to shake that nasty mood off my tail.

I got a new job, did I mention that in any of my last posts? No more Chili's for moi. I'm actually really going to miss it there, the more I think about it. Most especially Sergio, one of the cooks. He absolutely makes my nights there. But, I think I'm going to love this new job a LOT. It's a little local restaurant near school, kind of fancy. I get to wear the white shirt and tie deal; learning how to tie a tie this weekend was very interesting (I think I've almost got the hang of it). I started Friday night as a hostess to get the feel of things, before going home to work my last weekend there. It was great, everyone was very nice. At the end of the night the cooks made everyone dinner, and the owners gave everyone a glass of wine too. I was very surprised, it was like a big family dinner.

Danny... I dunno. I've talked to him all of twice since last Saturday for about five minutes each time. Whatever.

This Friday is UGA night at Six Flags; students, alumni, and family/friends only. I can't wait, I'm going with a couple friends. It will also be my first, and much needed, weekend off in three weeks. Lots and lots of blowing off steam is in the plans as well (as much as I can reasonably fit into two nights off).

As of Tuesday I'll be officially inducted into Silver Wings, and also probably Vice President of the same, since we're holding elections the same night. C and I decided to run for Prez and VP; we're losing a lot of upper level members, and no one else is likely to want the responsibility. We're pretty much guaranteed the positions. She's getting to be a really good friend. We have sooo much in common it's ridiculous... I'll say and she says it all the time, we're like the same person, haha. We should be good roomies next year, since the majority of the time we're thinking and want to do the same things anyway.

That's it for today, more when I have time this week. Oh, and Happy Easter!

Ever just feel like...

2006-04-10T16:27:00.000-04:00

A worthless little piece of some dung beetle's collection?

Be prepared, major pity party and everyone's invited.

Danny and I are no more, as of about 5 a.m. Saturday morning. It really shouldn't be that big of a deal, and it really shouldn't be bothering me as much as it is. I guess it's the HUGE amount of school stress right now, and that, and the working all weekend, and the no riding. I need to go riding, badly. At the time in the semester when I need to be focused and working the hardest, I have absolutely zero motivation to do, umm, anything. I can't do right by people, I can't do school right, I can't ride, I can't smoke (haha, not that I would go back there anyway but booooy does it sound good right now), and as I found out Saturday after work at Ashley's birthday, having a couple drinks just makes everything seem about 10,000 times worse. I quit.

I dunno... I've got nothin.

I despise waking up on a beautiful day and hating the fact that it's a beautiful day.

Why do people...

2006-04-03T19:41:00.000-04:00

Have to play games? I'm starting to doubt whether I saw the real Danny at first. Whichever one is the real one, I don't like the one that's here now very much. Now I know he's got a lot going on and he's stressed, but that's really no reason to suddenly morph into an asshole. I'm gonna give it some time, because I like the Danny I met at first, and I'm hoping he'll come back sooner or later. It better be sooner though, because I'm not going to put up with this for much longer. He had a redeeming moment Saturday night, when he got incredibly drunk and spilled his guts to me, and it was actually really cute and sweet. Until today when he retracted it all and said he was drunk and none of it counted. Granted he doesn't remember what he said so he's probably freaked out about that, but he didn't really say anything bad or scary. I told him he said he really liked me and that he apologized for being a jerk about some things lately. He didn't rectract the "didn't count" statement at all. Well, fine then.

I'm done whining, we'll see what happens. It's Monday again. Where did that weekend go? This is the beginning of 3 weeks with no break, since I absolutely have to work the next two weekends, no ways around it. I'm not really looking forward to it. I'm not really looking forward to much of anything right at the moment. Not to mention the fact that not riding is starting to absolutely drive me insane. I almost can't stand to look at the pictures I have sitting around I miss it so much. I'm having dreams about it, consistently, and remembering them. I generally remember one or two dreams in a YEAR. There have been five or six now, in the past couple weeks. Why did I have to pick the world's most expensive animals to be involved with? And specifically that aspect of them that is one of the richest and snootiest horsey avenues you can take? I'm certainly not either one of those things. Oh well. Someday I'll get to ride again. I had a pity party last night and sat and watched my videos on the computer of riding in Maryland.

Maybe I wasn't done whining.

Amazing concept...

2006-04-01T17:56:00.000-05:00

A whole two days to do whatever I want? I was supposed to work this weekend, since I had to call off last weekend; but in some sort of miscommunication, I didn't get put on the schedule. So, I don't have to work, and I don't have a crapload of studying to do. A weekend to do whatever I want?! Woohooo!!! Been a while.

Of course, I'm not doing anything all that exciting. There's definitely no drinking involved. I'm sworn off till the semester's over. So lots of just chilling, relaxing, and catching up on some much needed sleep. Maybe after a weekend like this I'll finally be able to quit being sick completely. Between the sore throat, the coughing, the stuffy nose... I haven't yet been able to get rid of all my symptoms at the same time since I got sick at the end of spring break. Haha, it would be nice to really feel good again.

I really can't wait for this semester to be over. This last month is probably going to be the toughest too. There's sooo much due, as I look through my planner for the next few weeks, and after that we turn right around and have finals. Ooph. Yup, I need to be rested up. On the positive side, the weather has been amazing the past couple days. It looks like spring/summer is finally getting here. 80 degrees, absolutely perfect.

Well, since I don't have anything really important to say, and I'm just writing a bunch of fluff, I think I'm gonna head out. Off to dinner with the boy in a lil bit, and then to some party tonight... hmm. We'll see about that part.

More C's...

2006-03-30T22:08:00.000-05:00

This is not acceptable. The last two papers I turned into History have also received C's. I quit, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I was having a lovely day until that. It's GORGEOUS, it was almost 80 today I think. I have a phone again, FINALLY; I drove back to ATL to pick it up last night. I got out of my first class an hour early this morning. Everything was excellent until I went to THAT class. That class is killing me. If I'm going to get a C it might as well be an F, that's what it feels like to me.

So anywho, after I steamed for a while and whined at my dad and insisted that these were NOT C papers, especially the C- one; I mean seriously, borderline D???? No way are my papers THAT bad. But after all that, C and I went to see Stay Alive. A little cheesy horror movie-ish (the acting was a lil lacking), but it was actually pretty scary. Maybe I just scare easily.

Now I'm just in one of those blah moods, again. I need to stop this.

Josh Gracin is my hero...

2006-03-28T22:24:00.000-05:00

But then every time I go to a concert that person tends to be my hero for a while afterwards. It was AWESOME! I love concerts at schools, both of the ones I've been to now have been in a smaller setting; I was literally 2 feet from the stage (and again cursing myself for not taking a camera, geez, you'd think I'd have learned by now). I caught a t-shirt too. Not a bad deal for $5, sweeet concert and a free t-shirt that was also and miraculously my size, instead of the usual XL they throw from stages.

I kicked the ass of today's test too, at least I think I did. It's History so we'll see. Had a good Silver Wings meeting tonight, had dinner at Buffalo's with C and her sister (after discovering that I had no way to communicate with A about dinner tonight, stupid lost cell phone). It was a blast though, C and I get along better than anyone I've met here so far. Got to hang out with Danny a lil bit tonight... overall just a pretty darn good day. And NO HOMEWORK or STUDYING tonight! That's the cherry on top of it all. Happy sigh, going to bed early and having sweet sweet dreams.

No work for me...

2006-03-27T19:02:00.000-05:00

I don't know what is wrong with me, but it's starting to get annoying. So much for losing my voice from yelling, it's definitely from being sick. I still don't have my normal voice back, and I'm almost convinced I'm going to cough up a lung pretty soon. I guess maybe I should go to the doctor... but I really don't like that idea.

I didn't work this weekend, because I couldn't talk, and in general just kinda felt like poo. Also because I had two tests today, and have another one tomorrow. Working all weekend wasn't going to be conducive to doing well on those tests. And I kicked those tests ASSES today, thank you very much. I'm pretty happy right now. But I can't tell anyone, because I still have no phone.

This no phone thing is getting to be a pain. I wasn't going to go home this weekend at all when I woke up Saturday and felt so icky, but my dad never answered the e-mails I sent to his pager, and I can't make long distance calls from my phone here, and no one was answering on the computer because they were sane people and all still asleep on a Saturday morning. So I had to drive an hour and a half to call off work. Geez. What on earth did we all do before cell phones?

Going to see Josh Gracin tonight with the Danny boy and a couple other friends, woohoo! I'm completely pooped and kinda just want to go to sleep, but I'm still pumped. We've been planning this for a while.

One more test to go tomorrow, and my week is over, essentially. I mean, I still have to go to class, but no more studying for this week! Sleeeeep, lots and lots of sleep is the plan after tomorrow.

Ohh boy...

2006-03-24T15:03:00.000-05:00

I'm sick... again/still. I have no voice, I have no phone, and I had no car until very recently. We were almost positive that my car had been stolen. That seriously sucked. I got up this morning and called our friendly UGA parking services, who told me that they didn't tow my car, and gave me the number for the city, who they said might have. The city told me that they hadn't towed my car, and if it was on UGA property they wouldn't have anyway. Okay, so who has my car? After those two calls I had to go to class. I had just a tad bit of trouble concentrating on school today.

Got back this afternoon and called parking services again, just figured it wouldn't hurt to have them double check. No, they do not have my car, and they told me I need to call the police department and file a report. Oh JOY. Out of the thousands and thousands of cars here, why mine?? So C calls me (I can't call anyone because I have no cell phone and a dorm phone that I can only make local calls on), and says she'll come get me, we'll look for my car, and if we can't find it we'll go file a report.

We drove through the parking deck where I usually park, the lot where I had my car, and a couple other random places; no luck. We were driving through downtown (and it's a little small-town downtown where there's parking spaces to pull off into on the sides of the road), and there sits my car, in a space on the way to the police station. "THAT'S MY CAR!!", which would have been a yell, but was only a squeak because I still have no voice. I don't think I've ever been happier to see that car, not even when I first got it. So I moved my car that night, and don't remember moving it, very not good. I have some kind of a saint guardian angel or something. Good grief. No more of that for me; I'm done. No more losing cars, losing phones, losing memory... I'm done.

My car is all kinds of scratched up too; none of them are too bad, but there's significantly more scratches than when I last saw it. I have no idea how any of them got there. What a day, what a night, good good grief. Well, thankfully I have my car, I didn't get to the point of having to tell my dad I lost that too, we're both in one piece, and I can go home and go to work tomorrow like I'm supposed to. Serious lesson learned.

When the next day you go...

2006-03-23T18:30:00.000-05:00

That was really not an intelligent idea. Free alcohol is a baaaaad, very bad thing. And they have it at a bar downtown on Wednesday nights for the ladies. It started off as an innocent evening, hanging out with my new roomies for next year; yup it's official, me and C will be living together, with another couple girls that also seemed pretty cool. But then me and C reached the point of no return. Niether of us planned on staying out late, and neither of us planned on drinking much. I blame it on the "free" part. C remembers nothing, I at least have bits and pieces.

For instance, I remember finally getting a ride home from the kind UGA cop who could have arrested me after he found me walking down the street crying. I think he felt bad because I was crying; I am soooo lucky that I'm not in jail right now. I'm a very emotional drunk, and I was apparently very upset that I had "lost" C somewhere. I don't know exactly how we got separated, that's one of the bits I'm missing. I remember losing my phone, but I don't know how. And apparently when you're that drunk, little details like losing your cell phone that you just had to replace a couple months ago because you broke the old one, don't seem that major. I remember C and I wandering around campus doing goodness knows what. Yes, it was an interesting night.

And now I'm paying for it. I have no voice (thanks to yelling all night in a very loud bar I think), have been hugging my friendly trash can most of the day, and think I have a fever and a cold to go with all of that. I had to admit to my dad that my phone disappeared last night, although I doctored the details a bit. He was not pleased. I missed all my classes AGAIN today; this is just not a good week for going to class. I'm going to have a ticket on my car whenever I can get to it, because I left it in a UGA parking lot that's not restricted after 5 pm, but in the mornings it is again. Good grief. Never.... again...

Free alcohol is not such a great deal when it costs a parking ticket and a new phone. I'm going to crawl back into bed now.

Edit: Danny came to take me to my car earlier; my car is not in the parking lot where I left it. It has either been towed, stolen, or I moved it somewhere last night and don't remember. Lovely.

You might ask...

2006-03-21T19:17:00.000-05:00

What would be best way be to top off a perfectly beautiful spring break? Why, to get sick of course! Haha, which I did, Saturday night. Seemed something like food poisoning at first, and ended up as this nasty sore throat that I just can't seem to shake and generally just feeling really icky. Ugggh, today I feel somewhat human finally. But I'm missing classes, which I can't afford to be doing, and I have SO much due in the next week and a half, which I'm behind on, and absolutely no energy or motivation to do any of it. Oh well.

My friend A and I have started a weekly tradition. This is my friend A that works at Chili's with me. I never see her generally during the week, because she doesn't live on campus, and we have no classes in common. So every Tuesday night we have dinner at Buffalo's (.35 cent wing night). We've been doing it every week since almost the beginning of the semester. It's a nice little tradition, and I look forward to it. Yummy food, and gossip about work, good times!

One day at a time, right-o.

I get to go see my new apartment for next year tomorrow, and hang out with my new roomies... if I feel up to it, and get all the homework done that I need to. Eek.

Dealing...

2006-03-18T11:53:00.000-05:00

I guess when you have four days with nothing to do but sit by yourself and think, you get some things worked out. I'm still hating myself a little bit at the moment, but I've decided that's not very productive. I know that I'm not that person in general; as in the evil one that hurts her friends and does mean and horrible things. So I need to learn from this and move on, that's all. And hopefully one day, sooner or later, M will be able to forgive me to some extent and we can be good friends again. And hopefully by that day, she and S will be back together like they should be (or at least broken up for some other reason). I need to write her a note, since I'm generally better at getting out things I want to say in writing (scary huh?) than talking. I'm still working on what all exactly it needs to say. In these situations sorry just doesn't do it, ya know?

Irony... in one of the shows I watch there was a quote that struck me, a while ago actually, but I remembered it last night. "I'll tell you about lies. There are white lies and black lies, and many shades of grey lies. Some lies are justified. Lies told out of kindness, lies that preserve dignity, lies that spare pain." In these situations is it better to let the lie sit, or IS honesty always the best policy? This quote won't stop running through my head. "Lies told out of kindness, lies that preserve dignity, lies that SPARE PAIN." Anyway...

Danny, yup that's his name, is coming home earlier than he planned today to see me since he knows I'm having a crappy time. I told him not to, but he wouldn't listen. I'm just thankful he didn't actually have his car with him in FL, otherwise he probably would have been back Wednesday. No need to ruin his Spring Break too. I can't wait to see him though, I need a hug. He knows exactly what happened, knows pretty much everything actually (somewhat thanks to a game of "never have I ever" when we first met opening the door), and he still likes me. I'm not sure why, but I'll take it.

I definitely think I'm gonna be living with C next year. That will be soooo fun. I love that girl, she's a hoot. She's a pretty fun drunk too. Went out with her and some other people Mardi Gras night, haha, well yeah... it was fun. About five of us came very close to flashing a bartender for these very elaborate beads that we wanted (what were we going to do then; 5 girls, 1 string of beads?). We didn't, much to the relief of my sober mind the next day. Anywho, she's just one of those people that you see and you're like, ooohh, I want to be friends with her. Never a dull moment.

Another discussion I wanted to have in here from way back when... My friend J is very insightful. J and I have gotten pretty close over the past couple months, she was my first real friend here. For a long time I've been confused on just where I stand on religious issues. We got into this deep discussion one night (I'll admit, after a drink or two), and I find out that she believes in reincarnation. Now, I don't know if I quite buy into that, but a lot of what she had to say about me sort of made sense. For one, she said she sees me as a new soul; I've never been through life before as a person. That's the reason I'm kind of all over the place and not sure of things, and also tend to be eternally optimistic and happy (I appreciated that comment) in all my wandering around. Also why my style is kind of eclectic; different day, different look. Well okay, that makes sense. She also said she thinks I've definitely been a horse at least once in a past life (hehe, yeah I'll buy that one). Considering that no one else in my family has any connection to horses whatsoever, and I somehow was apparently born addicted to the creatures. Even growing up, I'm told I drew horses before I'd ever seen one, and they were the only toys I ever had any interest in. I don't know, I haven't told anyone else about that conversation; everyone else I know would laugh in my face. I just thought it was interesting.

At two in the morning I get a text message that briefly wakes me up; I didn't look at it until this morning. D, obviously drunk, "I love you soooo much!" Arrrggghh. Guilt trip, anyone?

Hmm, this post is very random, and longer than I had planned. Apologies.

D, and all the other things I didn't get to yesterday...

2006-03-16T17:06:00.000-05:00

I didn't want to make a mile-long post, so I saved a few updates for today's entry. And since I've done nothing but sit here in my apartment since then, it's good that I saved some other things to write about.

D didn't disappear from my life either. He's been around, but I haven't been talking to him/dependent on him as much. It was about the time I got two dozen roses (among other things) for valentine's day that I decided I needed to back things off a little bit. Backing off turned out to be not so hard either, it was just kind of mutually understood. He doesn't talk to me as much, I don't talk to him as much, but we still check in a couple times a week usually. I feel almost guilty for dating someone else though. He doesn't know. We didn't talk about it when he was dating someone, so I sort of figured he wouldn't want to talk about this. At the same time I really feel like I should tell him. Shoot, I should do it now while I'm in this great "spilling the beans" phase.

All the other things I have to say are just kind of random little updates I guess. I'm still crazy about my new tattoo, and I love the looks it gets me sometimes, very amusing (such as from the snooty girl sitting across from me on the bus, "OMG I can't believe she did that"). I guess other than the fact that, yup there it sits on my wrist, I don't really look the part; which I think earns those reactions more than the simple fact of having it. I dyed my hair again, darker instead this time, it's just too costly to keep it lighter. Darker I can do by myself, darker doesn't turn it orange. Interestingly enough, while some of my friends didn't even notice the difference after I did it, the new boy's first comment upon seeing me was, "your hair looks great!". I was impressed. Fred is thriving, this has to be the longest time I've kept a fish alive in a little bowl (in a real aquarium with a filter and all it's easier). Fred is my hero. I got a plant too, which is also doing pretty well so far. I may be living in an apartment next year with C, one of the girls from Silver Wings, and a couple other people. I'm thinking it could be a lot of fun. C's the one that had the anti-valentine's party.

My history class has been driving me insane. It's a freshman level history class that I have to take now because it's not a class that's required in the Ohio school system. However, it's entirely a writing class. We have seven two-page paper assignments, and three essay tests, and that's it. Incredibly EASY "A", or so I thought. Imagine my shock and horror at receiving C's on my first two writing assignments. I'm on my third college level English class now, have never received below a B on any assignment, and just received 100% on my first English essay test this semester. WHAT in the world happened here?!? I'm still not quite sure. The teacher's assistants grade our papers, so I first went to her to see what the issue was with my papers (since there were basically no comments on them). All I got from her was, "I'm only grading by the professor's standards". Okay, so I went to talk to him. I think I annoyed him by making such an issue of it. In my meeting with him he absolutely ripped my papers to pieces. I took every minute detail he mentioned and did my best to correct it in the paper we turned in just before break. We'll see how this one goes. I could understand the criticism if it were some kind of challenging upper-level writing class. It's a FRESHMAN level American History class. Ugghh, can you tell it's gotten under my skin a little bit? Haha, oh well, I'm doing the best I can to fix it. But if I don't get an A on this paper I'm going to throw something at him, maybe literally.

Hmm, what else...I almost don't know what to do with myself in this new "relationship". It's been a really long time since I've had someone that I actually want to be with, that wants to be with me, that's available...haha. I guess I shouldn't crack jokes about that, but it's true. It's weird to me to be able to trust someone a little, and relax and enjoy spending time with someone; I'm still having trouble with it. I keep expecting it to be gone any second. I also feel very undeserving of this person right now. He's just so supportive and helpful with everything; if I'm having a bad day the world revolves around me until it's better. I'm going to get all spoiled and stuff. And I can't help but wonder... just how long it will take me to screw up this good thing the way I do everything else.

Anywho... that's all folks. Maybe I'll actually find something to do today, or maybe not. Either way, I'm out.

Where in the WORLD...

2006-03-15T23:04:00.000-05:00

do I start, have I been, is Carmen San Diego? Geez I don't know. I've been busy, but that's not the reason I haven't been around. Heck, I mean, there's always time for blogging. I don't know, I have no good excuse really. I've just been so busy trying to put it all together in my own head I haven't felt like trying to spill things in here and make a big mess when I didn't even know what I should write about... or something like all that.

School is excellent. No major changes there. It's a love/hate relationship though. I love that I'm being challenged, I hate the fact that that means I'm getting less than my usual good grades here and there. Good and bad though, I absolutely love this school. I've definitely finally found the one I want to stick with, which is good considering I promised myself I wouldn't transfer again either way. I love being a part of something so huge, which in general isn't very like me; maybe that's why I like it.

I have a nice little group of friends here... finally. Between Silver Wings people, and people I've met here and there, I don't have to spend a second alone if I don't want to. But it just wouldn't be me if I didn't get all reclusive and hide in my room every once in a while. I'm dating someone also, who, ironically, I met at a friend's anti-valentine's day party, haha. It's been almost a month now. I kinda really like him, I'm not gonna lie. He's a lot of things I'm not used to guys being at all. Sweet, kind, considerate, thoughtful (I swear he knows when something's bothering me before I even realize it), SMART, hilarious.

This week is my Spring Break, and I'd been looking forward to it SO much since I planned it with M forever ago. To be clear, this is my old best friend M, who is with S, who was all that mess... yeah, that M. And they were doing great these days and I was happy for them. It was supposed to be my first real spring break, in Daytona Beach no less; sounds like a party right? Except that the first night I got incredibly drunk and blurted everything. I guess a guilty conscience won't hide behind drunkenness. The only problem was (well not the only problem I guess), the next day I didn't remember having blurted. And no one said anything to me. It took me another two nights there to find out (in bits and pieces) that I had blurted, that it had broken M and S up, and that everyone there (all of M's friends, no one else I really knew) knew exactly what had happened. At this point I decided it would be better for everyone if I just came home. Ooph.

So I've been here since last night, in my lil apartment in Athens (I can't go home home, because I don't want to try and explain to my dad why I'm not in FL anymore), with the rest of the week by myself to reflect on how I've completely f*cked everything up. While everyone else I know is laying on the beach and getting drunk. Not that I'm complaining about that part, I don't really feel like I deserve a spring break right at the moment. I kind of want to crawl in a hole. I think I may have permanently lost one of my best friends, and there's no one to blame but me. I need a huge, gigantic, take-back card.

I guess that's enough for now.

Pretty things...

2006-02-01T18:52:00.000-05:00

Okay, I'm doing a little better, it's only Wednesday and I'm posting again, yay! I am 99% positive, although don't know for sure yet, that I failed my Physics test; and 100% positive, either way, that I'm dropping it. That took a huge load off my week. Still a lot of work to do, but not QUITE so much.

I was in kind of a crummy mood Monday and yesterday after the weekend, and just couldn't shake it. Monday was SUCH a Monday, everything went wrong! Tuesday was just insane, the whole day was frazzled and stressful (but not particularly bad). It started with me forgetting to set my alarm and almost sleeping through my first class; I just never caught up after that. I also have yet to get a good night's sleep since before the weekend, which I'm sure isn't helping matters.

Last night, I came up with the perfect idea (well, that's arguable I guess), which definitely cured me! I got a new tattoo today! Nothing major, but I'd been thinking about getting another one for a while, and... what better time than now? I'm so excited, I love it! It's a little blue star on top of my wrist... I'll post a picture when it's healed and doesn't look all angry. I wanted something that would be visible most of the time (unlike the one on my back that I never get to see), but that I could easily cover up if I was somewhere that frowned on tattoos. This one will fit nicely right under my watch. Hehe, so yeah my mood is much improved today.

I spent a lot of time thinking about what other people think of visible tattoos. I know a lot of people who aren't very fond of them. I guess when it came right down to it though, it's not up to them. If it's something I like then it's my choice, and as long as that something I like isn't harming anyone else, then they can just deal with it! I like it, they don't have to. And I do like my new tattoo, a LOT! So there, haha. I care way too much about other people's opinion of me. That needs to stop.

I also joined Silver Wings, as of last night. They're this Air Force ROTC affiliated group that kind of supports the people going through that, does nice things for them, does some community service, does some fun events. I went to their meeting last night and thought it sounded like something I'd like to do, and also thought it would be a good way to meet some more people! The event I'm most excited about though is on the 27th. They take a day trip to the Air Force base in Atlanta and we get to fly in the planes. Very cool, I can't wait!

Anyway, that's my big news. Back to the books, and laundry.

I'm so behind!!

2006-01-29T22:15:00.000-05:00

Something has got to change. Certainly the school all week and work all weekend thing is not going to be able to happen every week. I need a break! School is killing me; 5 hard classes is just too much work. Forget making friends or having fun once in a while, who has time for that? Maybe I'm dumb and it shouldn't require this much of my time, I don't know, but it is either way.

Rushed home on Friday to work Friday night and Saturday, only to find out that we also had a meeting at 8:30 Saturday morning at work. So I worked until 1 in the morning Saturday, couldn't sleep (got maybe 4 hours), got up at 6:30, went to the meeting, and ran back home to get my saddle cleaned up and packed up to ship. Sidetrack here... I'm selling my saddle. I'll go into that more later. Barely got that done in time to run back to work and grab a bite to eat before I was on at 3. Worked until 1 again, and thought I was going to die. T wanted to hang out, but I just didn't have anything left in me, had to go home and go to bed. Got up early again, because I had a bunch of things to do today before I came back to school to study for my Physics exam in the morning (I think I'm going to drop Physics, actually, I'm not getting it at ALL). I am so tired I can't think straight.

In the middle of all that though, I didn't snap at anyone, or make any HUGE mistakes at work; I just had a complete and total breakdown at home. So I had to sell my saddle (I'm not using it, and the money would be nice right now), which was easy to think about, and easy to list on ebay, and easy to plan on while I was sitting here at school with no time to REALLY think about it. When I sat down Saturday, exhausted, to clean it and pack it up to send to some stranger, I just lost it. Everything hit me; the fact that I haven't ridden in months, the fact that this is more or less officially hanging up the riding hat for who knows how long, the fact that I miss it SOOOO much, but haven't really allowed myself to have a second thought about it... It probably sounds ridiculous, but it's something that's just such a HUGE part of who I am, and I'm so passionate about for whatever reason, and not being able to be around horses and ride just kills that part of me. It's like a huge hole in me that is easy to cover up and distract myself from as long as I'm not reminded of it (maybe why I very nearly burst into tears when we went to see the lipazzaners a month or two ago?), but then I have to do something like I did Saturday and it all comes back. It hurts; physically, emotionally, more than anything else I've ever known has ever hurt. It's a part of me I can't get rid of, and I halfway wish I could, it would make things a lot easier, but it's not ever going to go away.

Honestly, the only time I was ever satisfied and didn't want to spend more time around horses was when I was living in Maryland. Eventually, that is going to be what I do for a living, I just don't know when. So of course, then in my exhausted and depressed state I sat and questioned whether I did the right thing not going back there, and being here in school where, well to be completely honest with myself I'm not very happy. But I am doing the right thing, I think. I need to finish school and get a degree, and then I can do whatever I want. I don't know, maybe (probably) I just need to quit being a baby and whining so much.

My saddle is actually only sold on trial, if it doesn't fit their horse they'll be sending it back. I had a long talk with my dad about all of this today. If they send it back he said I can keep it. I think he gets it now, he never did before. He could never understand why I was so obsessed with this "stupid, expensive hobby", but I think he actually gets what it means to me now. It's not a hobby, it's pretty much everything to me, and I saw him truly appreciate that about me for the first time this morning. So even if it took a total breakdown, and crying like a little kid in front of him (which I hate doing), and spilling my guts, I'm thankful for that understanding. Crap I'm gonna start crying again just getting this out on a keyboard...

Next topic. One other thing to mention, which was my one little highlight of the weekend. D sent me flowers on Friday. Now he shouldn't have, and I "yelled" at him a lil bit about it, but it was such a nice surprise and made me so happy that I couldn't give him too much stink about it. It was really sweet, and he knows the deal hasn't changed. So, if he wants to do something sweet all I can do is appreciate having such a really really great friend. And I do appreciate him, probably more than I'll ever be able to tell him. I love that kid.

Pheew, that's it for now. I'll reaaaally try to keep up with this a little better.

Soggy...

2006-01-23T17:27:00.000-05:00

Typical sort of day for a Monday I guess. Nasty and cold and rainy, probably fitting most people's mood for the day. It wasn't a bad day though. I walked home from my last class in a downpour, and my pitiful umbrella, although it tried, didn't help much. By the time I got somewhat close to my dorm I was soaked to the point that I couldn't help but find it amusing. I wanted to start jumping in the puddles that had already soaked my pants up the the knees. Why not have a little fun with it, right? I must've looked pretty comical.

I found out that I got, not just an A, but 100% on my first math quiz that we had on Friday. That definitely gave my Monday a little boost. If that's an indicator for the rest of the semester that would be great. A lot of my classes are kind of overlapping each other right now, which is interesting. My law class is talking about early law in the US, I'm reading William Bradford's, "Of Plymouth Plantation" for English (which is a litttle hard to get through, but actually pretty interesting), and my history class is just about in the same time period right now. It's kind of nice how they're all together right now; I don't think that will last.

The glaring front page headline on my paper this morning (which I got suckered into signing up for at the beginning of classes, "it's free, only $.15 a day for delivery!!") was "UGA student found dead in dorm". A 19-year old freshman apparently died yesterday morning of "alcohol-related" causes. I think rules are about to get a lot more strict around here as far as underage drinking goes. He was a member of a fraternity (which I've never been a fan of). I guess they're still trying to figure out exactly what he was up to Saturday night, but something tells me his friends aren't going to be hugely willing put that story together for the police, especially the ones who are 21. Hmm, I'm not sure exactly what all the rules are there, could someone get pinned with murder for that? Uggh, so sad, and what a waste.

Welp, enough thinking about that for now. I'm off to tackle some math homework.

Pheew...

2006-01-20T17:31:00.000-05:00

School is making me seriously slack off on these posts! It's kicking my butt already, and it's only the second week. I really wish D lived here now; took it for granted having someone to hang out with last weekend, and now that I'm facing the prospect of another weekend doing nothing I'm realizing that. I'm so not good at meeting people. Although I sort of met a couple people, I still don't have any weekend plans.

Other than that aspect school is going really well. I guess actually going to class and paying attention helps. I had my first quiz in math today that I was terrified about, but I actually think I got everything right (or at least very close, I can deal with close). Everything else is under control for now.

Hmm, it's amazing how much I DON'T have to say after a week. I guess not much worth mentioning has really happened. I had a maybe plan to hang out with some people here tomorrow night, but I have to go home tomorrow, dad's birthday. Oh well. Guess there's next weekend. Oh wait, no there's not, I have to work next weekend. Umm, there's always the weekend after that!

Yeah I guess that's it, maybe something more interesting and organized later, or tomorrow, I dunno.

The D confessional...

2006-01-16T17:27:00.000-05:00

Here goes... the promised post about the crazy, mixed up, highly odd relationship that he and I have. I mean, I guess it's not so much that at the moment, right now he's pretty much my best friend.

I met him my senior year of high school, when he was actually married to a girl that was a friend of mine (who is no longer my friend). No no, he's not really old or anything, he just got married waaay young. We kind of hit it off that year, we're both pretty shy, but we think the same way about a lot of things. I remember a few great times when everyone would pass out, and we'd sit up talking till all hours of the morning. We were never that close then though, because he was my friend's husband, it's not like we spent a whole lot of time together.

When I graduated and moved to Georgia I kind of lost track of them for a while. It wasn't until a year later when I moved back to go to Findlay that I heard what had happened through another friend that had also been friends with them. This "friend" of mine had dumped D out of nowhere to run off with one of D's best friends. So D was in the middle of a divorce about that time. Poor guy had a really rough time of it, and there's no one in this world (in my humble opinion) less deserving of something like that. He has got to be one of the sweetest guys on the face of the planet. So eventually I saw him when we were both at the coffee house where this mutual friend's boyfriend was playing. He invited me to have a few drinks that night at his house, and of course I said yes. Well of course, anything that's lying under the surface (even if you don't realize it before that) is going to come out when you get drunk. There were some mutual feelings there, a lot of them in fact.

Unfortunately, being the queen of timing, he had just started dating someone. Okay, I thought, rebound girl for sure. Problem was, the rebound turned out to last a year and a half or so. And the more I talked to him and got to know him pretty well in the month or so after that, the more I just wanted to be with him. Being the amazing guy that he is, we still hung out, and although I tried my darndest to be fine with being friends (and I put on a pretty good act when I was sober), when I had a few drinks with him I ended up crying on his shoulder. Which he always said was perfectly fine, and I shouldn't be embarrassed for it. I don't know, we had agreed to be just "really good friends", so that's what we've been since then, and after a while I started to really be okay with it.

Sidetrack for a moment. Even though this "rebound" lasted a year and a half, I wouldn't have had it any other way (hindsight is great). He stayed with her until he was over what happened, and that took this whole time. He was still technically with her when I visited for Christmas, although it was on the way out. As of New Years, he's been unattached.

When I was there at Christmas, he made a point of letting me know how happy he was while I was there. Apparently one of his friends at work made a comment along the lines of he needed to talk me into staying because he looked happier than they'd seen him in a long time, bla bla, etc. etc. Then there was the meeting his parents, who did everything short of welcome me into the family (that was a little awkward).

So, I think I've rambled on long enough... finishing up. Basically, now that we've really become great friends and I'm good with being that and have a blast with him, he decides he wants to be with me. And on the level that we're friends, if I let it happen this would not be any little fling of a relationship. I am in no way up for that kind of relationship right now. I'm a confused mess, which is what I told him, haha. I let out a regular old confessional the night we were drinking while he was here (yikes). He now knows more about me than any human being, yes even more than my dear blog. And he still loves me. Timing's a bitch, huh?

Oh well, for now we're gonna keep on being "really great friends", and after this weekend we're even closer, which is nice. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the story of D (so far).

Friday the 13th...

2006-01-15T10:32:00.000-05:00

I know, it's two days later, but I have to tell you about it. I'm not particularly superstitious, but here's what happened on Friday the 13th... It was a nasty day, absolutely disgusting; it was the kind of day that we rarely ever have in Georgia. It was rainy (pouring) and I had to walk from class to class with no umbrella. I'm one of those people that is afraid of melting, and of looking like a drowned rat. And you know in the movies where some large vehicle goes flying past on the road and soaks a person? That really happens, and it happened to me that day, twice.

D got here right after I finished classes, which was a good thing (the bright ray of sunshine in that dreadful day). We went to Target so I could buy an umbrella so I would have one and not go to classes as a drowned rat anymore. While I was looking at umbrellas I dropped my phone. I've done this several times before and it's been no worse for wear. This particular time, it hit the ground in just the right way that when it finished dropping, there were two separate halves to my phone, and not in a fixable way. Uggh, I'm very attached to having a phone, so that had to be fixed that day. So I had to drag D to the Verizon store and stand in line for, no joke, an hour and a half before someone would help me. Then, since I had no insurance and was not eligible for the 2 year phone upgrade or anything, I had to pay full price for a new phone. I guess in the end it's not that big a deal because I got a phone that I kind of wanted anyway, but I wasn't happy, my dad was definitely not happy, and that was just not what I wanted to do after an already fairly crappy day and when my friend had just gotten here to visit.

Nuff said, done whining... as I said I'm not really very superstitious, but what a coincidence? Anyway, D is still here, and I'm outta here to spend some more time with him. We had a long talk, with the aid of some alcohol, got everything out, and now everything is cool and we're friends and there's no expectations. Phheew, huge weight off my back. I'll go into more detail on the weekend when it's over and he's back in Ohio, and I have nothing to do again. :)

School...

2006-01-11T17:04:00.000-05:00

Ohh boy, well I wanted to go back to school, but I'm getting more than I bargained for. UGA's academics are going to be slightly more challenging than Findlay's, I can tell already. What?? I might have to work a little for an A? Haha, I'm trying to be good so far, doing the reading at least. And much as I may whine about it, I'm looking forward to classes that will actually challenge me. I like it here, although at the moment I sort of feel lost in this giant sea of people. It's like I'm in this giant room of people and they're all loud and confident and outgoing; that is just so not me. I need to quit being so stinking quiet. Easier said than done... I keep telling myself I'll make friends and I need to just chill out and not panic; I've started over in enough new places, and I always make friends, it just takes a little time. I just have to constantly remind my panicky brain that every five minutes; my brain has a problem with flashing back to high school when it was death to do anything alone...

I met my roomie on my birthday, she was here when I got back from my birthday dinner. She's really nice so far, but she's Chinese and her English is a little questionable. I think half of what I say kind of goes straight over her head, and she probably thinks the same about me. She made me a birthday cake while I was at class today and was just finishing it up when I got back; that was the nicest thing anyone did for my birthday, and I just met her. Hmm. I was really shocked at that kind of gesture from someone I barely know. I felt very undeserving for some reason.

I did get to go out to dinner with A on my birthday, and one of her friends that also goes here. So, since I don't know A that well either, I mainly sat and listened to her and her friend talk. Umm, okay. Oh well. I did get to go out and order a drink and get carded, and the waitress saw that it was my birthday and brought me out a lil birthday sundae with a candle at the end of dinner; it was nice.

I took my iPod with me to class today so I could listen to it walking around campus; I've noticed a few million other people doing this and thought it seemed like a pretty good idea. I guess I've never really walked around listening to it before because I had the funniest thought when I first put my headphones on and started walking. All of a sudden I was starring in my own little movie with my own personal soundtrack playing in the background. It just struck me as hilarious for some reason, that's really what it felt like. It was definitely a good idea though, makes all the walking much more fun when you have some of your favorite songs in your head.

D is coming to visit me this weekend! It'll be time to go out and do up my 21st birthday right (the way I couldn't do it on my birthday because classes started the next day...). I guess I'm not all bad, plenty of people I know would have blown off the first day of classes to celebrate on that occasion. I just couldn't justify it; I'll still be 21 this weekend.

S and T... ahh my question marks. No big news. I swear the more I don't talk to S the more I think about her and want to talk to her.

Till next time...

It's my BIRTHDAY!!

2006-01-08T11:51:00.000-05:00

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me... I'm officially an adult now, scary huh?

Coincidence?

2006-01-07T16:22:00.000-05:00

Just about every single day, no matter where I am, I always seem to glance at the clock or see a clock when it says 4:20. Makes me laugh.

I'm so CONFUSED!!!

2006-01-07T13:22:00.000-05:00

S called me at 5 this morning on her way home from work. I talked to her for probably almost 3 hours. So yeah, if I had any doubts, those feelings are still there. Good grief, I talk to her and I just melt; there's nothing else I would rather do, not even be sleeping (and I was pretty tired). I definitely don't have those kind of feelings about anyone else in the present. She and M aren't doing so well. I knew it wouldn't be a month before I talked to her. Crap, I love her, I do. What am I supposed to do about that?

And poor T, gosh I love that kid too, but not like that. I don't want to lead him on, and I don't want to hurt him. Do you think maybe when you're drunk the lines between friendship love and actual feelings just blur too easily? He might be coming to see me today, and probably definitely is coming out for my birthday tomorrow. As usual, I just don't want to see him. Have an issue? Yes let's avoid it at all costs. I have no idea what I'm gonna say to him.

Uggh.

Fred...

2006-01-06T18:44:00.000-05:00

I have a new pet. I always have to have some sort of animal around, I'm weird like that. So I got a fish for my room today, and his name is Fred. He's still my only company here so far, no roomies have shown up yet. Fred's a really pretty purple and blue-ish green beta. He's pretty active; I think he may be a little nervous about his new home still. I just realized that fish are a little boring, because that's about all I have to say about Fred. Oh well, he's nice to have around. This is horrible, but I really hope he lives for a while. I haven't always done well with fish in the past.

I went home yesterday to get some more clothes and stuff. My posters that I ordered were there too, yaaay! Now my room is all finished. Except, I need another piece of furniture for one side of the room, it's a little empty in here. It's going to have to stay that way for a while though. The highlight is my new 15" LCD TV that I got for my room last night. It was my birthday present from my dad. Soooo much nicer than lugging around my 800 pound TV that I have at home. I could carry it up here with one hand!

Another yay, I got assigned a place to park!! I was getting really worried, because I was on a waiting list for all the lots I signed up for, and I didn't know what I was going to do with my car if I didn't get into one. But I had an e-mail last night saying I got a space, and it's a place in the parking deck that was my first choice too! Double yay!

Let's see, met with my academic advisor and then registered for classes yesterday too. It's going to be a tough semester, but maybe it'll kick my butt back into gear for doing school again. Either that or I'll fail everything and get kicked out, haha.

Other than that, I'm getting to know my way around a little bit. Now that everything's settled for the most part there's not much to do besides wander around. Hoping to get together with A again that I visited here with before I went to Ohio. She's working through the weekend (which I should be doing...), but she'll be back Sunday (my birthday!!!). Not sure what's going on for that yet.

Back to watching my pretty new TV. :)

And here I am...

2006-01-04T17:32:00.000-05:00

I am SO excited right now. I feel like such a big kid, haha, all moved into my lil apartment here in Athens. It was quite a day. I had to be here for orientation at 8 in the a.m., which meant leaving my house in Atlanta at 6:30. I was an hour late; I got ridiculously lost... twice. I was not a happy camper then, but that was just the sleep deprivation talking, now it's kind of funny. They let me orientate anyway, and there were several guilty parties arriving just as late as I was. I'm pretty sure I didn't miss anything important.

I got my ID card, which actually came out with a halfway decent picture, amazing! And I got checked into my apartment/dorm. I'm in one of the two bedroom apartments, so I've only got one nutty roomie to worry about, who isn't here today. I'm guessing they were already living here, and so probably won't show up again until right before school starts again Monday. It is WAAY too quiet in here by myself. I don't really care much for being alone overnight, for the most part I've always had someone else in the house with me. I mean, I know there's a million people in this building, but it's not the same. I don't know, I'm crazy I guess.

So, I've done something that was probably really stupid (I know, what else is new, right?). I called T on Monday, and he of course wanted to hang out before I came to school, yaay! I missed his goofy ass while I was in Ohio. So we hung out and I got just drunk enough to realize that I have enough feelings for him to confuse myself, and also drunk enough to not be afraid to do something about it. Dammit dammit dammit (banging head against the wall). Just what I need, something else to be confused about! Seriously, what was I THINKING?? Oh right, I was drunk, I wasn't. We kinda sorta talked about it, and he said he's crazy about me and blaa de blaa. Bother, I love being friends with him, I don't want that to change.

Let's sort this out... I've now got D, who is convinced that he's gonna marry me eventually all of a sudden (still more detail to come about all that on another day, I promise), S who has sent me a couple messages now saying she misses me like crazy (when we're not supposed to be talking for a month; I haven't answered), and now here's T, but I have no one to blame this one on but myself. Ohhh boy. What I'm thinking mainly is...I really don't want to start out at a new school attached to anyone.

Spectacular... haha. But aside from all that I am just TOO psyched right now. I love my room, and my lil apartment, and I drove around and figured out the town a little bit. I think I'm gonna be happy here. Good things.

New Year...

2006-01-01T20:31:00.000-05:00

Feels like it should be significant, and something should be hugely different, and I should be energized and fresh and excited. I'm not. Is that bad? Today feels no different than yesterday, and I still have SO much to do and get sorted out before school starts.

No exciting New Year's eve for me either. I'm sure I could've found something going on, but I felt too guilty leaving my miserable dad home alone by his lonesome. So I stayed home and watched movies with him until midnight. It wasn't all bad.

I also felt like I should do the norm and make some New Year's resolutions... I just don't know. Maybe I'll get to that when I'm settled into school. My brain is scattered so many places right now I can't keep it all straight. I keep sitting down to do one thing, and 5 minutes later my brain reminds me of something else I need to do, and I get distracted with that. I've been running in circles like that all day. I need a good, organized list, that's what I need. I tried to make one of those too, and didn't even manage to get that done. I think I'm having some sort of severe temporary ADD. At least I hope it's temporary.

I'm confused about D too. As soon as I have time to sit and put it together there's going to be a small book in here about the goings on of late with him, and some of the history there too. No time for that now though.

Till next time... Happy New Year y'all, have a good one!

Just stopped by to say...

2006-01-01T00:33:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year!!! :) (and now it's my bedtime)

A blue Christmas?

2005-12-29T19:19:00.000-05:00

Hmph, well I didn't expect rain for Christmas when I went to Ohio, I could've stayed here for that. It didn't dampen the mood much though, the worst damage was a bad hair day, haha. It was a good visit too, even though it got cut slightly short, and I didn't get to see everyone I had planned on. Too many people, so little time, sheesh.

I spent a lot of time with D, which was great of course, I love that kid. It was so great to see him I can't even say. We played DDR (dance dance revolution for anyone who doesn't know) incessantly, which is SOO insanely addictive. I swear if I had that in my house it's all I would EVER do. Literally. I threatened to steal the whole system and bring it home with me. I also got to help him finish making his bar, which he has completely built on his own. It's pretty impressive, and has an even more impressive collection of alcohol to go with it. He could start charging customers. I helped decorate; highlight being the tree. There was no star, so we topped it with an empty Jack Daniel's bottle. Okay, maybe a little politically incorrect (or something along those lines), but it was very fitting for D's apartment. Met his family for the first time, which was odd when I thought about it, since I've known him for about 4 years and they live practically right around the corner. I guess they liked me; they made certain that I knew they'd love to see me again, asked if I had a boyfriend and told me they thought D was available, haha (there's a lot more behind this that I'll save for another post, because this D section is getting lengthy).

Seeing my mom was good, although I knew spending that amount of time in her house was going to be a bad idea. Especially the part where she took 3 extra days off of work to "spend time with me". There's something about being around her that turns me into a sullen and angry teenager again. I hate that I do it, but I can't seem to control it. Too much time in that house and suddenly everything is annoying and every comment makes me bite back with something sarcastic. I think I did better this time than sometimes in the past though, I try hard, I guess that counts for something. She did teach me how to knit, and I actually really enjoy it. I'm working on a scarf. Also got to practice my Scrabble and a couple card games with my mom, grandma, and aunt. Those games are something I always look forward to, even though I generally lose.

I wimped out of going to see M and S on the way up there, told M that my mom wanted me home. Lil white lies are okay right? I just couldn't do it. S started talking to me again the next day. I'm not even going to go into the whole week and half's worth of conversations, there were a lot. It all ended in her telling me she loved me (out loud and no ifs ands or buts about it), and asking what I thought we should do in this situation that would be best for M, and not for either of us. Well, I didn't like that question, and I liked the answer even less, but I guess we did what had to be done. The deal is we're not going to talk at all for a month, and actually give some feelings a chance to burn out before one of us breaks down and talks to the other person again. That was the 27th. So January 27th I can call or she can call, if we still want to. I don't know, part of me wants to say good, this is finally final and probably done with. Another big part keeps nudging me and saying that you don't fall for someone like this every day, there's gotta be something significant about that. I don't know, either way, it's honestly not bothering me that much right now. Nothing I can do about it anyway, right? Laugh it off.

I didn't end up getting to see M until this morning, which I felt bad for. I stopped and had breakfast with her on my way out of town. We ate at McDonald's at 8 in the morning on a vacation day and exchanged gifts. It felt weirdly grown up and distant at first, then after about 20 minutes, we lapsed back into our usual best buddy talk. That was a huge relief. I really wish I'd gotten to spend more time with her while I was there. She got me season 2 of The L Word for Christmas, woohooo! I'll probably be pulling an all-nighter with that tonight. Ever since MC got me started on that show I've been addicted.

Let's see, what else... well I'll add more info in later posts I'm sure, this one has gone on long enough. It'll be another couple days though. We're headed down to Florida in the morning for Christmas with my dad's parents. Yay, more driving... Incredibly stressed at the moment about getting everything finalized and figured out and packed for school. LOTS to do in the next few days.

Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year, and all that!!

Road Trip!!!

2005-12-18T07:25:00.000-05:00

In about another 20 minutes I'm outta here! Hmm, maybe I'll take off and take a trip somewhere out west where I've never been... so tempting. :) But, I guess this road trip has to be to Ohio. Anyway, seems like there's always some excitement in some form or another when I head up that way. I wonder what this trip has in store for me?

Prolly won't be around for a couple weeks, unless I find some internet access somewhere along the way. Merry Christmas everyone!! I'll be back!

86 me...

2005-12-17T19:42:00.000-05:00

So at work I have to 86 a lot of things; lettuce, tomatoes, pickles... there's always something that people don't want. I'm not used to being 86ed personally though. For some reason that's just what came to mind when I got that message this morning. I have been officially 86ed from a certain S's life. Oddly enough, I'm really not that upset. I think I knew this one was coming, and I guess I had enough warning to have it mostly worked out in my head already. It was still just a tad bit shocking though. Hmm. If anything I'm a little angry, but I don't really have any place here to be angry at anyone but myself. This could have all been avoided, technically; but can you really help how you feel?

I don't know, aside from that I've been having a good ole time here the past few days. Hung out with B from work on Thursday night and watched a couple movies, and last night I got to visit UGA! This girl A that I work with goes there, but I'd never really talked to her before. B, however, knows her from way back, and mentioned that I was going there and didn't know anyone or anything. She invited both of us to go out there and hang out last night. So, I learned more about the bars in Athens than anything about the school, but it was still really fun! It helps when your escort (also underage) has connections with a bunch of bartenders. :) Plus, I made a friend there I think. A was pretty cool, and said we should hang out when I get back. Yay, friends are good! And I am SOOO psyched to go to school there after last night!

I am FINALLY starting to make some friends here in Georgia. That's pretty exciting. I love living in Atlanta, but no matter how well you get along with your dad, after a while you want to hang out with some people your age and have some fun. It's been a little lonely down here up until recently.

So I'm going to visit M tomorrow night, and they're going to see like the happiest person on the planet... that's what I've decided. And actually, it's not going to be much of an act, I'm pretty happy right now.

O M G!!!!

2005-12-14T18:39:00.000-05:00

Two years... that's how long it takes me to forget that trying to dye my own hair, with all it's lovely reddish highlights, blonde on my own at home does not turn out well. For some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to give that another shot today. Every couple months I get bored and want to dye my hair, it was about that time again. Oh me, I have blondish orangish hair. Hahaaa, gotta love it. Thankfully, just about every color I put in my hair fades out to the same dark blonde/light brown after a while.

Last night I had SOO much fun. T called me at 10ish wondering if I wanted to hang out, and I ended up hanging out with him and BJ at his apartment, playing pool and bullshitting until 6:30 in the morning. It was absolutely a blast! Even after I got a phone call at 5 a.m. I was kind of happy to report that I was awake and having loads of fun. I think I caused a little jealousy. WHAT? I can have fun without you?! Yes, I'm evil. I can play this game too. I don't like to, but I can.

Jury's still out on whether or not I'm going to visit S on the way up. I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't skip that stop, even if I'm wanted and much as I reaaally want to go. I'm not too enthused about the idea of visiting, getting all this started in full force again, and going through all this all over again when I come home. We'll see, I just don't know yet.

For now...I'm hyper, and happy, and feeling so much like my usual enthusiastic, bouncy self today that I'm scared to talk about it. I might scare it right away again. And I get to see my D in just a couple days! I can't wait! That's always good news!

Time to go. Gotta clean out my car (this is going to take a while) so I can take it and get a bunch of stuff done to it tomorrow morning, so I can drive to Ohio on Friday!

Enough!

2005-12-13T13:54:00.000-05:00

So I'm starting to see a pattern here. I just manage to not hear anything and get to the point where all that is packaged up in a nice little tupperware container in the back of my head and not bothering me so much, and BAM, I get a few texts, and then a phone call at 5 a.m., and I'm right back where I started. Well, not that bad, actually, just confused I guess. The more this happens though, the more I'm starting to get less hurt over it, and more sick of it. So maybe that's a good thing.

M is going home for the weekend the day I'm driving up there... busting my plans for spending a couple days there with them. So now it's either, I'm going to stop there to visit just S, or I'm not going to stop at all. This is still undecided. If one of the smaller reasons, I want to stop because it's like 2 hours short of my home destination, and stopping there for a while makes the drive seem a lot easier.

Today's fun project... finishing one of my mom's Christmas presents. Gotta go pick up the pictures I ordered for it pretty soon, and do a few other things. Think I might get some presents wrapped tonight too. I guess I have to exchange gifts with my dad within the next two days before I leave. I feel bad for leaving him here for Christmas, he's kind of a wreck right now. Uggh, who isn't. I really wish I could talk to him about what's going on, we could have a regular old pity party together, but alas, no such luck. Makes me a little sad, we used to talk about everything. Hey, if I told him it would certainly give him a distraction from his problems! Haha.

Interesting combination... coffee and football. Got some coffee (he doesn't drink and I'm not legal) and watched Monday night football with B after work last night, and gave him a ride home again. He's a pretty cool kid, it was fun. Yes, I had definitely for the most part completely forgotten how football works after my days of watching it with G a couple years ago. No more work for me! That just feels sooo weird. And I'm going to be sooo broke, sooo soon, hehehe.

I'm outta here, things to do!

Yikes!

2005-12-12T14:36:00.000-05:00

Completely overwhelmed at the moment. I actually sat down today to start figuring out all the things I need to do to get ready for school. Umm, it's a lot. I've been working on it all day. I'm moving into school and being a full time student again in 22 days! wOw! So maybe part of the reason I've thrown myself into this so suddenly is because while I'm working on all this I can't think about anything else... but hey, it needs done anyway right? This way I won't be stressed to the max when I get back from Ohio and try to do it all in 3 days (like I would normally do).

Much as I despise my job at times, I actually think I'm going to miss being there in the next month. It'll be kinda weird. That's been my only thing really, for the past 4 months. I'm gonna go in there and kick some butt tonight, make some big tips, and have fun my last night there. Big tips on a Monday night, that's a big ambition. :)

S, hmm. I don't think I'm going to hear anything else before I get up there. But I've been surprised before, who knows. I need to call M either tonight or tomorrow and check on plans for going to visit. Need to call my mom and let her know when I'll be there. Need to track down my academic advisor and call them. Need to call the housing department and talk to them. My phone's gonna be busy the next couple days. I'm really not a big phone person.

In all this mess and thinking there's no way I could be interested in anyone else right now... in the middle of all these emotions running every which way... I may have met someone. Eek.

Still here...

2005-12-11T23:25:00.000-05:00

Where is that exactly? Oh, I'm not entirely sure. But I'm around here somewhere. Uggh, it's sad when I want to be at work because it's a good distraction. Tonight has been a little better than the last two nights though. My other thoughts are starting to get a word in edgewise. My phone has been silent since Friday night (silent at least regarding phone calls from Ohio). I wonder if S has just decided to write me off for real this time. But I'm trying, hard, not to think about that. I finally was able to start thinking about some other things today.

Ohh crap, like the fact that I was supposed to have registered for classes at UGA already and haven't, and the system closes again in a half hour, which I just remembered. Oops. I'm gonna end up with a crappy schedule this semester. Oh well. I also found out that I got into my first choice for housing, which is kind their kind of apartment style dorms. That's good news!

Hung out with T after work today. Yes, I forgave him for standing me up, I believe his story that he couldn't help it. We smoked (which yes, I've been so good and mostly quit, but maybe every once in a while?), which made my mood about 1,000 times better, and we went to see the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. It was a good movie, but I especially appreciated it because I used to watch an old movie version of it all the time when I was a little kid. More than anything though, it was good to just spend time with a real live person. And we still get along SOO ridiculously well, we're just kind of on the same wavelength all the time.

Oh boy... one day at a time. Tomorrow night is my last night of work for probably a month or more. Until I get back from visiting Ohio and get settled into school. Woohoo, or something like that!

What the hell am I supposed to do?

2005-12-09T22:08:00.000-05:00

I must be the world's biggest idiot, because I let myself fall into this again. And I'm a day or two, a week at most, away from getting crushed again. I can feel it. I can see it coming. But I can't do a damn thing about it. Why can't this just be easy and work out how I want it to, now?

Okay, I'm sorry, but M is treating her like crap. She's my friend and all, but I hate that she's treating S like this. It needs to be next Friday. I need to know what's going to happen when I get there.

This is killing me. I guess in the end it's all going to shake out however it's supposed to, and I'm going to know that whatever happens is the right thing then, but what about right now? I'm in no mood for Christmas, that's for sure. I can't see anything past this, and I know there's so much else I need to be focusing on right now.

Tonight's he said she said: She said, she doesn't think she wants another relationship for a while. SMAACCK, across the face. Not that the last one is over, but M went to a party tonight, dressed like a you know what, with a bunch of frat guys. S was not invited. Even money she'll get drunk, 10 to 1 something's going to happen, 25 to 1 it's going to be pretty much over after tonight. Who's in? I don't know if I worked those odds right, forgive me, I'm a little tipsy, but you get the idea.

I want to walk outside and just scream at the top of my lungs for a solid 5 minutes or so. I feel like I'm going to explode.

P.S. T stood me up today, no call no show. Uggh, you just don't do that! Had to go with dad to L's and visit for a couple hours. This on top of today's drama.

The best thing to do...

2005-12-08T19:53:00.000-05:00

On a cold, rainy winter day. Is grab a good book, go to Border's, and curl up with a cup of coffee and read. It was nice and relaxing, and I totally forgot about the crappy weather, and everything else, for that 3 hours or so.

Also, cleaning. But that wasn't nearly as fun or relaxing. It just needed done.

I think it's like 40 degrees in our house.

My dad is pitching a fit because he's going out tomorrow with the ex's daughter and her two daughters and wants me to go. I don't want to go. Why is he maintaining this relationship with her? And why am I supposed to be friends with her? She drives me insane, we have absolutely nothing in common, and we are not going to be family anymore. So, my obligation is... ? I don't wanna go, and I'm supposed to hang out with T tomorrow, but I suppose I'll never hear the end of it if I don't go. Grrrr.

OH YEAH!!

2005-12-08T01:32:00.000-05:00

And as of today it's exactly one month till I turn 21. Not that I'm excited about that or anything...

He said she said...

2005-12-08T00:45:00.000-05:00

She said... She doesn't think it's going to last much longer. Her and M that is. Trying...so...hard...not...to...let...this...comment...get...into...my...brain. Right...

80 pounds of potatoes later...

2005-12-06T18:15:00.000-05:00

Chili's ran out of potatoes today. And that just happened to happen at the exact time that I was there grabbing a bite to eat after my shopping. One of our managers talked me into going to the store and buying potatoes. Or was it me that talked him into buying me dinner for that favor? :) Hehe, either way, I found out today that $25 will buy 80 pounds of potatoes, which I find fascinating. I guess I've never thought about buying that many potatoes before. My manager was a little shocked as well; I don't think he was expecting 80 pounds for $25 either. We've been out of all kinds of everything for days now. It's getting a little ridiculous.

Ended up eating with T, who I hadn't really talked to much since I got back from Ohio and had that little chat with him. I didn't really think he was interested in "being friends", but he surprised me today. He said we have to hang out before I leave for Ohio, since this is my last week at Chili's for a while, and we actually made plans! Yay! We've talked about hanging out before but nothing would ever turn into anything definite. I'm excited, something to do! Especially since I'm only scheduled for 3 days of work on the new week, hmmm.

My Christmas shopping is finished and done for. I still have a little work to do on a couple "project" type gifts though. Sigh, time for some relaxing. I rented Madagascar, hehe, it is too funny so far. I love a good cartoon.

Oh yeah, whaddya know, I did get that 5 a.m. call again this morning...

Jeepers, Creepers...

2005-12-06T00:17:00.000-05:00

Where'd you get those... yeah, just caught the tale end of that insanely creepy movie on one of our movie channels. Yicky, hair standing up on the back of my neck feeling. I've got to get that song out of my head now.

Interesting day. Nothing came of last night, message was received by the intended party and no biggy. Pheew (although is it horrible that some small part of me wanted to get this all out in the open, disastrous as that would be?) Got a completely unexpected call while I was sitting at work eating dinner from S, who I really hadn't expected to call again before I went up there to visit for Christmas. Guess she had some time away from M and decided to give me a call. Okay. Talked for 45 minutes or so till I had to clock in. Got a text message while working, which actually turned out to be a picture message. Good grief. Let's just say someone got a couple somethings pierced a couple weeks ago and she decided to model for me. I think my face turned beet red. Yikes. So texted back and forth for a while, me running around hiding to use my phone, haha. Then, I waited around to give someone a ride home, and while I was waiting she called me again on her way to work.

So... we're back to just talking all the time again? So confused. Happy, but confused. Still not getting any hopes up, not going to talk about any feelings, they're going to stay in the back of my head. Just enjoying the chatting. I wonder if I'll get my 5 a.m. call again...

Got home to find I'd gotten a package, yaay, new clothes! That'll always brighten a day. Also had a surprise visitor come to sit in my section tonight at work, that was fun. :) It was also fun talking to B a bit that I took home tonight, haven't talked to him much at work. He seems like a nice kid.

ANOTHER day off tomorrow, might try to get some work done on my car. It's way overdue. I also have more work to do on Christmas shopping, still no idea what to get for a couple people. Yawn, time for a little reading and bedtime.

Well, I may have just blown the goose out of the water...

2005-12-05T02:07:00.000-05:00

Finished my reading for the night and was about to call it lights out, when I realized I'd left my phone downstairs. On the off-chance that I might get one of those middle of the night phone calls or text messages I decided I should bring it up to my room. Wouldn't you know it, I had a text message waiting for me. "I miss u, Love S." LOVE !?!!? Well that's a new one.

Wrongly assuming she was at work I decided to write something back (since I actually had two messages, the same one sent twice, half an hour apart; I was guessing an answer was wanted). The messages were from about an hour ago. I didn't stop and think that it's not a weeknight, she has Saturday and Sunday nights off. I can only hope they're not sleeping yet and she still had her phone on her. Otherwise, I guess we'll see who gets to the phone first, M or S. World's largest, OH CRAP.

That was brilliant. Ohhh squash and nonsense, this is just not good.

SO amazing!

2005-12-03T23:05:00.000-05:00

I went to see the Lipizzaners from the Spanish Riding School in Vienna tonight with my dad (www.spanishridingschool.com). They're touring the US, and this weekend they're at the Gwinnett Civic Center. I literally was fighting back tears at how amazing it was. I mean, I guess it has slightly more meaning to me than some, but that was the most incredible display of power, precision, harmony, rhythm, discipline... all put together in some of the most gorgeous horses and talented riders in the world. Wow. I can't imagine what it would be like to ride one of those horses. As fit as they have to be to do what they do it would be like sitting on a ball of pure muscle, nothing but a fireball of energy, ready to explode in any which direction you ask it to (and sometimes directions you don't ask for, haha, been there).

Someday. Something to work for. I'll never tour with the Spanish Riding School (considering they only take men), but I will ride and work with horses with that kind of talent and ability; I'll get there. Someday.

I have to sleep. Two days with five hours each have left me feeling a little behind. 'Night blog world.

Ohh fun!

2005-12-03T00:08:00.000-05:00

Three things that you wish you were good at but are either not good at all or just so-so:

1)Dancing, I'm about as white a white country girl as it gets. 2) Computers, having a programmer for a father I've always felt the pressure. 3) Cooking.

Three of your favorite songs to dance around in ya undapants to:

This question is way too hard... this is just the current top 3.

1)Green Day - American Idiot, just so fun to go nuts to. 2) Rascal Flatts - Feels Like Today, more for a performance in my undapants than dancing, but it had to make the list. 3) All American Rejects - Dirty Little Secret, fun to hop around to and also kind of amusing at the moment.

The name of your favorite teacher, what grade, subject and WHY (can be a professor too).

Professor Embry, my college freshman writing 20something (wrote my way out of 101) teacher. He was the first teacher to actually criticize my writing and challenge me to improve it rather than just hand me an A; I learned a lot in his class, and loved it.

Three things that you are inexplicably good at, for better or for worse.

1) Horses 2) Wasting time :) does that count? It says for better or worse. 3) I do okay at the artsy fartsy stuff I think.

Your top 3 favorite breakfast cereals, if none, your idea of the perfect breakfast.

1) Don't eat breakfast 2) Never eat breakfast 3) Gotta have pancakes for lunch once in a while.

Top three destinations, places you gotta see before you die and WHY.

1) California, k I know it's pathetic, but I've always wanted to visit! 2) Scotland, for the part that's oh so curious about my family history. I think I still have relatives living there. 3) Australia, another one of those, just always wanted to go.

Name a huge turning point in your life, something that happened and after that everything was different. What was different? Why?

Haha, well there's been a few of those, but the most drastic turning point to me was pretty recent. It was a lovely summer night in Maryland, and that was the kiss that started it all. Ehh, the only person that will likely read this already read the story, haha. But yeah, that was a pretty huge turning point.

On a scale of 1 to 10, are you a good kisser? Pursuant to this, does it matter? (what is your opinion)

Now who can really answer that for themselves? I'm sure there's some horrible kissers out there who think they're just great. Plus, I think it partly depends on kissing compatibility too. Everyone has their own certain style I think, and you just have to match up styles. Ohh my crazy kissing theory. I'll let my kissees be the judge.

What is your best feature? Your worst? (intentionally vague here)

I don't think my best feature should be up to me to answer either. I think my worst is being so stinkin shy. Yeah yeah, I'm workin on it.

Are you a night person or a morning person?

Definitely night; even if I'm exhausted I start to wake up around 10 or 11. And generally if given the option I tend to sleep through the morning.

Fill in the blank: "There is nothing better than _______ after a long hard day of work."

A warm smile and a sincere "so glad you're home" sort of hug. Melts away all the unhappy day thoughts.

Alright, anyone else that happens to read this is lucky, because I only follow one blog, so nobody gets tagged. Lucky you; except I thought it was fun.

Seriously folks...

2005-12-02T23:42:00.000-05:00

So here I sit today, happy as a sea turtle. Cleaned up my disaster of a room a little, had a nice little lunch and went to a movie with my dad, who took today off. Get home and BOOOM, there's an IM waiting for me from S. Being the amiable and oh so foolish curious cat that I am, I answer it.

We proceed to talk pretty much the rest of the night until now, some on the computer, some on the phone. M left her alone tonight to go out and party with her sorority. I hate sororities. I'm stuck again not knowing what to think. So she basically cut me off completely a week ago because she was "falling for me and got freaked out and couldn't deal with it and had to back up (said in not so much of a giant run-on)". Agreed, she has a girlfriend, that was still the right thing to do. But seriously, like I could hear that and not have it affect me? Along with, "can't stop thinking about you", and "miss you like crazy". Along with, we were both privately thinking we were nuts because you can't possibly feel that way about someone after that amount of time, right? Arrgghh. I still have to visit them in two weeks.

The list of "I shoulds"... I should tell her to just stop talking to me, that that was working out for everyone involved (except it wasn't). I should tell her nothing can happen while I'm there (except I want it to). I should tell her this is just fucking with my head way too much (well, yeah I guess it is). But I don't want to tell her any of those things. Truth be told, everything she said to me goes both ways, and that's not gonna change anytime soon. It felt SOO incredibly good to talk to her and hear her voice tonight. And hearing those things made me feel not so idiotic for feeling the way that I do.

I'm not going to let this smash me down again, not not not not not gonna let it. I'm going to stay happy, keep this under my skin somewhere and just take this as it comes. I'm going to appreciate getting to talk to her, but not get all hopeful again. That's what I'm going to do. Yes, that's what I'm going to do.

Spinning head, going to go do some reading and distract it.

I love this guy...

2005-12-01T21:53:00.000-05:00

Isn't he just tooo cute? :) He was sitting watching me draw.

Alright, I give...

2005-12-01T11:30:00.000-05:00

I am SOOO over being sad and mopey! When it comes right down to it, you know, it's just no fun! I feel like I've been a dumb little kid pouting because I didn't get my way. So I had a little heart to heart with myself last night, and decided that I'd been all gloomy for long enough and today I was going to get back to life. Seriously, what a waste of a week or so. Like I said, no fun!

And wouldn't you know it, once I got my moping brain on board, I woke up this morning feeling positively fresh and hopeful; and I still do. I'm BACK! Heheheee. Life's too short to be all depressed for very long. So yeah, that whole situation still sucks, and I have NO idea how I'm gonna swing visiting them in a couple weeks and act like nothing ever happened, but yeesh, no more letting it run my life. Too much fun to be had, things to be enjoyed, people to SMILE at! :)

Wow, putting this post next to the last couple, hmm... I'm bipolar or something, haha. Anywho, my big exciting news. My very own artwork is going to be on somebody's body. How cool is that? D wanted me to draw him a tattoo, so he'd "have something that always reminded him of me". Awww, so I did. Actually he's been bugging me to do that for a year or two, but now he said he really wanted one for that specific reason so I made myself sit down and do it. Okay so maybe a tiny little part of the motivation was the huge new art set with alll this cool stuff in it that my mom got me. I think he's gonna get it when I go up there for Christmas, and I think I'm gonna get one too. Kept telling myself I would never do more than the one, but I want another one. Just something cute and little. I already have something in mind.

I guess it's about time to start buying Christmas presents. I have NO idea what to get anybody. My dad is taken care of, but beyond that... geez friends are so hard. And my mom, I never know what to get her. Any ideas?

37 days till I turn 21, and 38 days until classes officially start at UGA (great timing huh?). I'm sooo excited, and a little scared. Gosh that school is HUGE.

Alright, I'm off to seize the day, or something like that... much to do after a wasted week!

Smile...

2005-11-28T22:52:00.000-05:00

because it's easier than explaining to everyone why you look so sad.

Why can't I shake this?

Alcohol is lovely...

2005-11-26T00:22:00.000-05:00

So I said I'd never drink again. Yeah right. I needed a drink tonight, but that was a bad idea. All that got me was drunk at a bar and having to drive home. Thankfully that was only 3 miles or so away. I'm not dealing with this very well.

Sat at the bar after work and watched T make out with his new interest from work. Okay, no right whatsoever to be jealous, I just really didn't need a cute couple of any sort rubbed in my face tonight.

I'm pissed as hell at myself for letting myself ever feel like this in the first place. How stupid. How ridiculously, idiotically stupid I am.

Drunk posts are a bad idea.

As usual...

2005-11-25T12:12:00.000-05:00

Things don't seem quite so ridiculous after sleep, but they still suck. And more talking happened after last night's post. We are officially "friends", whatever the hell that means. I let myself get upset last night, and decided that would be it, today I'll be over it. Well I'm not, but I'm okay.

I don't know about the whole being friends things, I don't see that working very well. I don't know what's going to happen, but in a small way, I'm a little relieved. I'm not sitting here wondering what's going to happen anymore. If anything is supposed to happen in the future it will, and if not it won't. I don't have to sit and worry about it anymore.

And, if nothing else comes out of all of this, at least I feel like I know myself a lot better now. That's one area of myself that I've got covered.

I'm trying really hard to be positive.

ARRRRGGGHHHH

2005-11-25T00:57:00.000-05:00

This situation sucks. Everything came out at 5 this morning, when I had to get up and get ready to go to Florida with my dad, and we couldn't fully discuss it. Of course. Got as far as, I'm crazy bout her, she's crazy bout me, what the hell do we do. She doesn't wanna hurt me, I don't wanna give this up yet... AHHHHHH. She can't break up with M, agreed. I want her.

And now she's drunk and saying things like she wants me to be her girl and she wants to be with me now. Way to fuck with my head. I can't deal with this now. 3 hours of sleep last night, and I've been up for 18 hours... I'll deal with this tomorrow. Maybe. She wants to talk about it, I don't want to talk about it. Avoiding issues, that's what I do best.

Screw Thanksgiving. I'm not happy or thankful right now, and I don't care if my problem isn't that big a deal in the grand scheme of life, it sucks right now. Bah and humbug.

Much to do...

2005-11-22T08:43:00.000-05:00

So much that I got up at 8 on my day off? Crazy beans, dude. That never happens. Of course, maybe it's because I wasn't woken up by my 5 a.m. phone call this morning. Why, you might ask? Umm, I don't know. I'm a little worried. We shall see. I really hope everything's alright. Guess this means I can get started nice and early on all the things I have to do today. Or I can wait until I get tired again and go back to sleep for a while. :) That sounds more appealing.

So I talked to S last night, and it is soooo stinking tempting to go to Ohio for Thanksgiving. I just feel horrible that she's going to be sitting there all by herself. No one should have to be alone over a holiday. But I can't. My dad would murder me if I all of a sudden said I was going to Ohio. We're supposed to go to Florida to his parent's on Thanksgiving day. Plus I have to work the day before and probably the day after. Same deal for S, and she can't get out of work so easily as I can. Oh well.

Work was so great last night. I made a ton of money for a Monday night, and other than the creepy two guys that came in and stared at me and asked me all sorts of weird questions, all my customers were really nice, haha. I was supposed to go bowling with T and some other folks from work afterwards, but I went and no one was there yet. I'm not big on sitting around places by myself, so I just came home. Then of course I got a phone call wondering where I was, which I knew I would get... oh well. I think I'm kind of antisocial sometimes, or a lot of the time. Hmm.

Yawn. Okay, I'm about tired again. Sleepy time.

More positive note...

2005-11-20T22:07:00.000-05:00

After a nap, a lovely Chai Tea at Border's, and an hour wandering Wal-Mart, I'm in a much better frame of mind. It's amazing what the combination of those three things will do to cure some Sunday night blues. So, problems still exist, but they seem a lot smaller now.

I love wandering around Wal-Mart. Other than the fact I always spend money I don't really need to spend, it's really relaxing, and there's always something fascinating to look at. As in... "Wow, someone is actually making money off of marketing and selling this." I bought Mancala, some magnetic thingys that you can build with (which I've had waay to much fun playing with already), and season 8 of Friends. My Friends collection is now complete, woohoo! I also asked a magic 8 ball a couple questions just for laughs (they were beside the magnetic things). Questions being... Am I ever going to get to be with S? Answer... Without a doubt. So then I went for... Is that going to happen anytime soon? Answer... Yes, definitely. Hmmm. I don't think I believe the magic 8 ball, but I like its way of thinking. Interesting.

Speaking of S. Actually got to talk to her for a little bit tonight, and found out that she has nowhere to go for Thanksgiving. Apparently her family doesn't agree with her lifestyle, and she's not invited to Thanksgiving dinner. That makes me SOOO angry. M can't take her home, because her family doesn't know. I feel so horrible. She won't even acknowledge that it bothers her though, she always has to be so tough about everything. I wish I could go up there for Thanksgiving.

I think just getting out of the house to somewhere besides work helped immensely. I got up from my nap and just felt like my insides were going to explode if I didn't do something. Ever get that feeling? But, seeing how I really don't have any friends down here, and my dad didn't want to do anything, my options are limited.

Time for some Friends.

Note to self...

2005-11-20T16:57:00.000-05:00

No sleep in two nights + a double one day + opening the next day + still trying to completely get over being sick = enough to make a person sick again. Ugggh, I feel like shit. And why can't I sleep when I'm exhausted?? So frustrating. No complaints about work the past couple days, I've just been there entirely too much. And now my throat feels like sandpaper is rubbing at it every time I swallow; not entirely pleasant, unless you're the kind of person that enjoys incessant pain.

Plus, weekends suck, S never gets to call so I miss talking to her too. Plus that whole situation is still ridiculous and I feel like an idiot. Would someone please just shoot me and put me out of my misery now?

I think I just need sleep. Yeah, sleep, that's it. I hate being complainy.

Oops, it's Saturday, technically...

2005-11-19T00:00:00.000-05:00

I'm not even going to try to post much right now because my head is a jumbled mess. So I'll just say... work was fine; actually it was even sort of good for a Friday night, and I got out kind of early. Everyone liked my hair, even though it wasn't being cooperative today. Gonna take me a couple days to figure out this new style.

Head still spinning. Part of me wants to tell S to quit calling me at 5 in the morning because it's really messing with my sleep cycle. But I don't want her to stop calling; I'm not willing to give up any of our 5 or 10 minute conversations throughout the day. I had a huge conversation with MC about all this on the phone last night, which actually helped a lot. It didn't resolve anything, but it was nice to have someone to vent to anyway. She even told me I wasn't a horrible person for all of this, which I'm not so sure about at the moment, but it was nice to hear.

All of a sudden I'm dying to get back into school, like right now. Is it January yet? But then that's just me. Having issues? HEY, here's an idea, let's run away and avoid it. Eventually I'm going to run out of places to hide. Yikes, I'm not even going to open that can of ants right now.

I can't believe it's almost Thanksgiving already. In two weeks from today I'm putting in my two weeks at work.

So I posted more than I planned out, yay me. Time to try and sleep I think. Long day at work tomorrow.

Sleep is overrated...

2005-11-18T06:33:00.000-05:00

Apparently. 6:30 in the morning and I'm wide awake. S gave me the usual headed home from work call at a lil after 5, and I haven't been able to sleep since. My brain got going again and that was the end of that. Which wouldn't be that big a deal, I mean 5 is kind of morning time I guess, but I didn't go to bed until 2:30! Arrrgghh. I'm going to be tired at work today.

I want to go watch the sunrise somewhere, since I'm up and all. But it's too cold. I also want to get in the car and drive to Ohio and just resolve everything with my magical powers. Right.

Something's gotta give here.

Wow...

2005-11-17T18:02:00.000-05:00

So, after all that yesterday, and after a very trying night at work, I tried my darndest to have a positive day today. My head is still spinning, but I got my nails done, went tanning, and most excitingly of all, got my hair cut! It needed trimmed at least, so I decided today was the day, and went to the guy that both my dad and I always go to. I never leave there without losing a lot of hair. Thankfully, I had a lot to spare. It's about 6 inches shorter (still not short, it was reaaallly long) and I let him give me long bangs. I'm still getting used to the difference, but I absolutely love it. Now, in about a half hour, I'm going to have dinner with my dad. All in all, a pretty decent day. Trying soooo hard for something resembling normal, can't we tell?

Nothing really changed with S, which I kind of thought it would. Well, at the end of our conversation about M yesterday, and after us agreeing she needed to put most of her energy into that situation, I told her not to stop talking to me (because that would suck). I get a text message at work, you know I couldn't stop talking to you. Ohhh, the extent to which this is messing with my head is insane. So nothing is different, she's still calling me when she's not with M, and texting me all the time. Arrgggh.

Resisted the urge to call M again today and check in. I don't want her to be suspicious, and I don't generally call her on a daily basis. As far as she knows, I don't really know much. I only know most of what I do know about the situation because of S. When I talked to her yesterday she didn't find it necessary to give me any of the information S did, which burned a little. She's my best friend, and she doesn't think she can talk to me. More frustration.

I'm going to dinner before my brain really gets a chance to get going again.

By the way, pets are so great. My cat definitely knows something is wrong. He's been following me around the house incessantly and sitting on me the second I sit down and looking all concerned. He's so cute.

So... that something substantial happened more quickly than expected.

2005-11-16T16:54:00.000-05:00

I'm in shock. I get a text message from S at 3:30 this morning, call M right away. Me, half asleep... umm why? She had some kind of attack and is freaking out. Okay, I call her. By the way these two both have a third shift job, so being up at 3:30 in the morning wasn't out of the ordinary. So I call M and she's crying and having what sounds like a panic attack, she had to leave work. (back story... something happened to M last year that she has refused to deal with, not talked to anyone about, and has decided that by ignoring it it will just magically go away) When I talked to M she had downed a decent amount of alcohol trying to calm herself, so was hysterical as well as a little hard to understand. I guess at work she just started getting overwhelmed with thoughts about what happened, and basically did have a panic attack. So then she's thinking she's nuts and crazy and all kinds of things and I spent a solid half hour on the phone before she settled down and I think mostly because of the alcohol was ready to pass out.

Okay I thought, I knew it was still an issue but I didn't know it was that bad. Still, we'll get her to go back to counselling and things will be all good. This is my friend M, my happy-go-lucky blonde fun buddy that I've known for years. I would know if things were really that bad. Wrong again.

S texts me again today, need to talk to you. Then she calls. I don't want to go into details, but we'll just say she discovered that M has carved a word into her stomach. And this is not the first time this has happened. How do I not know this???

S is 100% devoted. Obviously she can't leave her now. She's gonna be there for her and help her through this. And she thinks she's not a big deal.

I have no idea where to even start on dealing with all this. I'm half tempted to get in the car right now and drive to Ohio to be with M, I'm worried sick about her and can't believe I didn't have any idea how bad she really was. And I feel disgustingly selfish for even thinking about it now, but then there's S, who I'm still insanely crazy about, but she needs to be with M. M absolutely depends on her right now; so that pretty much effectively ends whatever might have happened there. This obviously isn't something that's going to be resolved overnight.

What happened to 8th grade when we were happy and life was easy and uncomplicated and no one had ever heard of using cutlery on anything besides a steak?! I don't know what to do. I just spent about a half hour outside in a t-shirt, freezing my butt off thinking that maybe the air would help clear my head. Yeah, or not. What's happening here?!?!

I have to go to work now.

Hey!

2005-11-15T21:39:00.000-05:00

I halfway feel like a person again! After sleeping pretty much the entire day yesterday, and most of today before work, I kinda sorta feel halfway back to normal. That's a start anyway. Halfway is waaay better than a couple days ago, so I'm excited. It's still amazing how much 4 little hours at work can take out of me right now. That was all I did today, and it knocked me out.

Work is strangely peaceful now that there's no guy tension. I kinda like it. I can't wait to hear how T's party went on Sunday night, if he's still alive... haha. He's supposed to work tomorrow, so we shall see. I hope a lot of people went. Nobody has been feeling good, so I hope everyone didn't skip out.

I have this sneaking suspicion that I'm setting myself up to get hurt big time here. Every logical piece of my brain keeps telling me that I'm an idiot and this is never going to work and to let it go before it's any harder, but I still can't seem to do anything about it, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to let it go, not ready to just yet. I guess I'll just keep rollin one day at a time and see what happens. I could dive into the whole story and try to explain what's going on, but I'll save that for when/if anything substantial happens, because that would be a waaay longer post than I have energy for right now.

I still can't eat. I have now officially lost 10 pounds. I know, doesn't sound like a big deal, but when you're not really overweight to begin with, it's noticeable. I want to be able to eat again. :( I like food. I have been eating little meals (I think my stomach has shrunk, I get full sooo quickly), but apparently still am not getting enough down to reverse this situation. I'm melting! Haha.

Ahhhhhh

2005-11-13T22:53:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I worked a double. Yeah, I'm now going to curl up in bed and die... or at least sleep until some ridiculous hour tomorrow.

T is having his big "out of prison" party tonight, and I'm missing it because I'm sickly. Damn it.

Damn this damn exhausted nasty disgusting sickly feeling. So there.

I miss S... still.

Easier than I thought...

2005-11-12T18:24:00.000-05:00

Telling T the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, that is. Maybe it was easy because I was up half the night going over and over what I was going to say. I felt bad, because in another world, I'd probably really be crazy about the guy. I must say though, I had a reaaally hard time keeping myself from laughing, the look on his face was PRICELESS. He was awesome about it after he recovered, he's always awesome, gave me a hug and all was good.

Other than that though, work was not so easy. I spent the majority of the time feeling like I was going to pass out, and we were kind of busy, and I had one of the biggest, busiest sections in the restuarant, ahhhhhhhh. In an odd way though, it was almost good that I was sick. I didn't have the energy to get all stressed about being busy, so I actually handled the crowd better than I usually do. I'm going to have to remember to not let myself get so frazzled when I feel better. I got pretty crappy tips all day though, I'm blaming that on my serious lack of enthusiasm. I managed to choke down almost an entire grilled cheese sandwich after work, which is a record so far. Almost everyone at work mentioned that I look like I've lost weight, geez. Someday I'll be able to eat normally again.

I'm scheduled to work a double tomorrow, which is just in no way going to happen. I will for sure pass out in the middle of the restuarant somewhere before it's over. I'm trying like crazy to get out of tomorrow night, but nobody wants it so far.

So, I DID have alcohol poisoning, and I've now come to the conclusion that it weakened my system just enough for me to get mono again (a couple other girls at the sorority house I stayed at in Ohio had it too, and we were all sharing cups and stuff). I was thinking about it this morning and had a light bulb moment... waaaait a minute, I recognize this feeling, I've felt like this before. This does not make me happy. When I got it the first time I was a senior in high school and was sick for almost a month. I was well enough to function for most of it, but pretty much just felt like crap the whole time. Joy. I'm gonna give it a little longer to go away before I decide that's what it is for sure. For now, all the sleep I can get, and all my yucky vitamins and all that good stuff.

I miss S. A lot. We've actually had conversations about me moving back to Ohio. This is insane. Is it possible to feel this way after a week?

Am I ever going to feel good again?

2005-11-11T12:18:00.000-05:00

So I'm not throwing up anymore, thank goodness, and I'm starting to be able to eat some normal foods, but I just kind of feel really icky still in general. I'm soooo tired of feeling sick. All I want to do is sleep, until 6 or 7 at night. Then I start to feel semi-normal again, but it's always back to this yucky feeling in the morning. I don't know, hopefully it will go away soon. I'm supposed to work lunch tomorrow, that could be interesting.

Been talking to S a lot, basically every time M isn't around she calls me. I'd really love to just play out the next couple months and see what's going to happen here. Is there a fast-forward button on life?

I'm going to lay down for a bit. I was going to make myself get a shower, but I just don't feel good. :(

So here's the dirt...

2005-11-10T11:40:00.000-05:00

Brace yourselves and grab a cup of tea ladies and gentlemen, this is going to be a long one. Basically, I'm going to hell, like ten times over, but I'll get to that in a few minutes. I'll start with the nice and innocent parts of the weekend.

Went to visit D first, he was great as always. We watched a couple movies, then were out on the balcony of his apartment so he could smoke and I was noticing how you could really see the stars there, and complaining about how you can't really see them anywhere around here. So we went to this nature place and sat and looked at the stars for a while trying to pick out constellations. That was a nice change from being in the city all the time. There's no place close to here that I could do that. That was the one night I stayed at my mom's, so I had lunch with her the next day and then headed off to my next stop.

MC and the Findlay crew were great too. MC's lil sis is going there this year, so there was a whole new hangout crowd, but it was fun seeing everybody and meeting all the new people. Had a few drinks, played some beer pong, smoked for the first time in quite a while, pretended I was in school again. It was a lot of fun. We went to Wal-Mart at 4 in the morning and bought a rake to rake up all the leaves in the yard and jump in them. That was a blast, and we took a bunch of pictures of it.

So now on to the part where I'm going to hell. I never mentioned before that M's girlfriend happens to be gorgeous, adorable, funny... etc. etc. because yeah, that's my best friend's girlfriend, I'm not supposed to think that stuff. So I get to M's, and we all start drinking. We played a couple card games and eventually ran out of alcohol. This would have been the logical point at which to stop drinking. M and the other girl M that was there were pretty drunk. S (my M's girlfriend) and I were alright. So we had the brilliant idea to go to the store and buy more alcohol. We didn't let the other two go because they would have gotten us in trouble for sure.

After we got back and started drinking again my memory pretty much blacked out. This is what I've heard... I threw up, a lot. And I spent a lot of time making out with S. At around 6 in the morning when my memory came back I remember S in my room, and we were messing around. Uh ohhhh. I spent the next 3 days sick as all hell, I think I had alcohol poisoning. I don't think I'm ever going to drink again.

S took care of me the whole time when she could, and at night when I'd start to feel a lil better we would continue to sneak around and dig the hole even deeper. I'm going to hell, and even moreso because after all that, I really don't regret it or feel bad. Everyone, S and I, all of M's other friends know that she's not like this and it's not going to last, but that still doesn't make this right. Ohhhh shit, that's all I can even say, what on earth have I gotten myself into? Honestly, I've never bought into the whole love at first sight thing, but I know that I've only known that girl for a few days and somehow, I'm crazy about her. And she feels the same way. We've talked on the phone like 20 times since I left yesterday.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! So we agreed that the only thing to do is to let things play out between M and her, because neither of us wants to see M get hurt. But now I don't want S to get hurt either, which M is going to do; I've known this girl since 8th grade, it's inevitable. This is just a big old mess, and I still can't get my thoughts together enough to get out everything I need to say here. I miss her.

So this weekend definitely cemented some things in my mind that I was still questioning. And thinking over things in the past, it all kind of makes sense. I guess T is pretty much out of the picture. When I go to work Saturday I'm gonna tell him the truth. Geez, that'll be the first person I've officially told. I mean, the Findlay people know, because of SW; word gets around, but other than that nobody does.

I'm off today and tomorrow, hopefully reintroducing some foods into my system other than saltines and gatorade, and catching up on some sleep. Luckily my illness isn't questionable; apparently everyone else at work has been out with the flu too. I have like absolutely zero strength. It takes it out of me just to walk downstairs to the refrigerator. Naptime, maybe after that I'll get up the energy to find something to eat.

And that, my friends, is the story of my crazy weekend.

What... have... I... done... now...

2005-11-09T21:14:00.000-05:00

So I just got home, two days later than I was supposed to. I've been sick as a dog since Saturday night and I'm going to bed now. But when I feel well enough to sit here and put it all together, BOY do I have a story to tell.

I'm OUTTA here...

2005-11-02T22:54:00.000-05:00

In about 10 and a half hours. Haha, but this will be my last post for a few days. I can't believe I have almost a whole week off of work! That's so amazing! I went in and ate with T today; it was really odd watching everyone running around working and not having to do anything. My dad flipped a shit when I accidentally mentioned that T was going to change my oil for me ("What, some random guy is going to change your oil and you're going to turn around drive across the country by yourself?!?!?"). So I decided that it didn't REALLY need changed before I left. T checked the oil, added a little, checked all the other important things for me, and gave me a big hug goodbye. And said he didn't know what he was gonna do this week without me and that it would be the longest week ever... :)

It's amazing what a simple hug will do to completely make your day. I'm actually going to miss him this weekend. Time to go pack, that's all I've got left! See ya later blog world, have a great weekend!

YAY for road trips!!

2005-11-02T09:46:00.000-05:00

But I have soooo much to do today to get ready. Well, kind of. Nails and tanning, T is going to change my oil for me because he's cool like that (and I'll prolly end up hanging out at work with him for a while and eating), laundry and packing, more music organizing on my iPod. It's almost ready to go. I spent about 2 hours last night getting some new (and old) music to add to the collection for the trip. I'll probably add some more tonight. I got allll sorts of country songs, probably enough to last the entire stinkin trip. I'm going through a country phase right now; I was missing my roots, hehe. I got a car charger for it yesterday too, so I can listen to it the whoooole way there! Yay! I'm so excited!!!!

La la laaaa, off to start my busy day!

5 a.m.

2005-11-01T05:09:00.000-05:00

And I can't sleep. I really am thinking too much. But this is not good! I didn't get home from work till 12:30, and I have to work a double tomorrow... or today rather. Ugggh. Why can't I sleep? Yeah, I know the answer to that question. Of course I have to have my epiphanies at 4 in the morning (yes that's how long I've been awake, I finally gave in and got up).

I know why I blow people off after a date or a few, alll the time. I am deathly, ridiculously, insanely afraid of getting my heart ripped out and stomped on again. No matter how long it's been, you don't fully get over that I guess. So I take control into my own hands and never let things get to that point. This was a no shit, Sherlock, kind of moment, but I seriously don't think I'd realized that until now. I realized it because I was thinking about T and how I really don't want to end up blowing him off because I could (fine, do) really like him, but I really also don't want to get hurt again. And I guess it's just a neverending circle, because you could go round and round with that one for hours. Anywho, I could rationalize SW that way too; I think I felt safe letting myself be in that relationship because that was brand new territory and no girl had ever had a chance to hurt me that way... maybe?

Is this making any sense? I need to not be allowed to make entries at 5 in the morning when I haven't had any sleep. Quick, someone, take away the keyboard before it gets worse! I'm going to go lay in bed and stare at the ceiling some more.

Happy Halloweeen!

2005-10-31T09:53:00.000-05:00

Muuuwaaahahhaaa. That was supposed to be a scary evil laugh. Somehow it just doesn't work in a blog. Today is the day that I get ridiculously jealous of all the adorable little kids all dressed up and collecting candy. I was never allowed to dress up or go trick-or-treating. My insanely religious parents didn't believe in it, and thought someone was going to poison my candy or something. I still feel deprived. Oh well, maybe eventually I'll have kids, and I can dress up with them and go trick-or-treating on Halloween.

I think I'm going to go get a big pumpkin and carve it today, before I go to work. I wish we could dress up for work today. We really should be allowed, Mondays are always so slow, it wouldn't matter at all. But some stick in the mud up at corporate decided that that would just be too much fun, so forget that. I'm trying to find some way to rebel without really breaking the rules. Something like the day I bought candy bracelets and gave one to everybody. The managers just kind of looked at us funny all night. They love me, and it wasn't really against the rules so they couldn't say much. I even got a couple of the guys to wear them, it was great.

T, ahh yes T. I'm just not gonna say much else about that for a while. I don't want to say anything and be wrong so I'm just gonna sit back and see where it goes. I could really like him, a lot, and that's all I'm going to say. So we'll see. I can say that all the other random dates, and J too, are pretty much out the window. But then, on a more serious note... I can't help sitting here and wondering, what about SW? Was that just some sort of fluke? I mean it's not like it was just a drunken night or something. Had I stayed in Maryland, that very well could have (more like probably would have) turned into something long-term. Okay, so I've always told myself and my friends not to worry about the past, to just do what makes you happy now. So I'm trying, but that's a little hard to ignore and not at least wonder about a little. Hmmmm.

Oh, and how bout this one. What's gonna happen when I get drunk with MC in Ohio, when as it turns out we both liked each other last year, but no one ever said anything? She's no longer attached to someone else this year. Maybe getting really drunk is a bad idea. Maybe I need to take my own advice and stop thinking so much. Or maybe this is stuff I need to think about. I don't know.

And that's it, because this crap is tough to write about, for potentially the whole world to see.

An extra hour...

2005-10-29T22:00:00.000-04:00

I'm home, and I smell like a giant fajita. Or so my dad said. I guess it makes sense, that fajita smoke probably sticks to your clothes like cigarette smoke. But I don't think the smell is quite as offensive as all that. This working all the time thing is getting to me. I'm exhausted.

BUT, the clocks get set back tonight, and I get an extra hour of sleep! Assuming I can sleep, and can sleep through the night. Maybe I should take something tonight to help me sleep, but I'm not really into all that unless it can't be helped. I reaaally need a full night's sleep though. Hmmm, oh the inner conflict. Don't forget to set your clocks back!

Poor T is sick as a dog, but of course he was still there today. I guess even being sick at work is still better than his alternative. Hopefully he didn't breathe on anyone's food... It was painful just listening to him talk. Bless him, he still tried to come out and help me with my work to get out of there tonight, but I wouldn't let him.

One of the cooks scared about 5 years off my life tonight. I was walking back into one of the big freezers to get some dressing, and as I walked in he jumped at me and yelled. I'm honestly surprised I didn't do something really embarrassing, like pee my pants; as it was I must've screamed bloody murder. One of the managers came running back there to see who died. It was pretty funny though, after I started breathing again. They got me good. I'm gonna have to come up with a good one to pay that back.

The Mexican cooks are always calling me bonita, and asking if I'm married or have a boyfriend. It's so cute. Makes me feel all special, haha.

I noticed this notice (haha) at work tonight that there was going to be some mandatory class for certain people next Saturday at 8 a.m. and initially was like, ARE YOU SERIOUS??!? My name was on the list, in case you didn't get that. Another bogus meeting that I don't need because no one else can do their job right. AND at 8 a.m. on a Saturday. Then I realized that there is some justice in the world. I'm going to be out of town. :) Oh DARN.

Anywho, I'm going to take advantage of this extra hour and get all the sleep I can tonight... gotta work lunch again tomorrow.

Ahhhh, no more sad movies...

2005-10-28T21:37:00.000-04:00

I bought Million Dollar Baby tonight, I thought after all the hoopla it got that it was about time I saw it. I did not need that. Someone should have warned me that it was really really really ridiculously sad and will make you cry all night. Or maybe that's just me. I don't know; I think I'm going to have to go watch something funny now.

I'm starting to concern myself...

2005-10-27T23:13:00.000-04:00

I voluntarily worked a double today. I was supposed to work lunch, but then I picked up a shift for someone that couldn't work tonight. GEEE, I wonder why I'm motivated to do all this working. Well, I do need the money, but somehow I don't think that's entirely the reason. And let's see, that's right, I hung out with T during all of the down time; had lunch, walked to Target, and stayed for like an hour after I got off tonight hanging out. Uh oh. People at work are starting to comment. Like, "Awwww", and "You two make such a cute couple!", and we just laugh. Uh oh.

T went across the street to Walgreen's while I was still finishing up at work, and bought one of those little necklaces with the soap bubble thing attached. We blew a bunch of bubbles in the parking lot, and talked, and managed to spit out the exact same comment at the exact same time 3 times. We would be jinxed to death by now if we were 10 and still said jinx every time someone said the same thing at the same time. We have all these little inside jokes already that we never even had to explain to each other. Just certain things he'll say that go whoosing right past everyone else, they don't catch it, and I'm rolling on the floor laughing; and the same thing the other way around with something I say. I could really like him. Uh oh.

He insisted I bring the bubble thing home. My cat was not as thrilled with the bubbles as I was. Especially when one popped on his nose.

I also picked up another shift tomorrow morning, on what was supposed to be one of my days off on this week's schedule. I just had a day off... what would I do with another one? And I'll be off all afternoon; I may be pathetic, but I'm not pathetic enough to pick up a Friday night, on top of opening tomorrow morning. Nope nope, no way. I have a double on Saturday anyway, that'll be bad enough.

Okay, it's bedtime. It's going on midnight, and I have to be at work again in less than 12 hours. Joyousness. I'm sooo not a morning person.

A whole day off?

2005-10-26T12:05:00.000-04:00

I don't even know what to do with that anymore. I've been voluntarily working just about every single day. Since that's pretty much all I do, I decided I really don't need more than one day a week off, but do I even need this day? I'm just bored. I actually kinda want to go to work. I'm insane. I'm tempted to go in and eat, but I don't like the reason that I want to do that.

What to do... maybe figure out how to put some pictures in my blog. Can't seem to figure that one out yet, and I'm guessing it's a more complicated procedure than I probably know how to do. The pink is fine, but it's a little boring.

Do animals see things that we can't see? I swear sometimes my cat will just sit and stare at the wall, or stare intently just past me, like there's something there. I've heard that when they do that sometimes they're looking at spirits or something. I don't know that I buy into all that, but I guess it's possible, and the way he stares sometimes at what appears to be nothing; I mean really, the wall can't be that interesting.

Just a week and a half till I'm going up to Ohio to visit all my buddies, can we say YAAAY!! It's going to be soooo much fun, and so great to see everyone. MC, and D, and M. M's girlfriend's birthday just happens to be the weekend that I'm going, so that should be fun. I just miss them all so much down here, I wish I could go and stay longer than a long weekend. I decided I had to get up there before Christmas, because if I only went then MC would be home in Chicago on break, so I'd miss seeing her. That would just never do; we've gotta have our shot time at least once this year! :)

The week after that, T is free again, and we'll see what unfolds there. Okay, it's time to do something with today. Maybe I'll do girly things... go tanning, get my nails done, fun fun!

My Buddy

2005-10-25T18:17:00.000-04:00

By request... I have millions of pictures of my cat, but this one captures the essence of him like no other. I can almost hear him talking in this one, "What do you think you're doing, you bleeding idiot?". Yes, my cat has an English accent in my imagination. I'm not sure why.

He's smarter than the average cat in my opinion, for several reasons; but here's a funny example. He knows perfectly well what he is and is not allowed to do. If he wants to do something that's not on the to-do list, he waits until you get on the phone, when he knows that you're not going to yell at him. He then stands boldly wherever he's not supposed to be, looking at you with a mocking face. He never tries these things if you're not on the phone.

More Changes...

2005-10-25T08:17:00.000-04:00

I did a search last night for the name of my blog (because I'm a dork like that), and found out that there are several referencing bits and pieces of something. So while I liked that name, I decided it's my shiny new blog, and it deserves its own original name. Maybe when I'm having a crappy day and want to be grouchy, this title will remind me that it's not so bad. I like it. It's happy, and sunny, and all alliterationish, hehe.

I have not gotten up willingly this early in the morning for a looong time. Even when I work lunch I don't have to get up this early. It's kind of nice. My 2 year old cat, that I've had since he was a tiny ball of fluff, for some reason decided at about 2:30 this morning that it was time for him to be allowed to sleep in my room. So he sat outside my door and did this pitiful (yet very loud) cat yowl until I let him in. Then he immediately jumped on my bed, purred like crazy, and went to sleep. Until 5:30, when he woke me up when he left, and 6 something, when he came back, and 7:30, when he left again when my dad got up. Yeah I was pretty much awake then.

I've been holding off letting him sleep in my room because, well for one reason, I like sleep. But also because I'm technically allergic to cats, and I don't think that letting him sleep in my bed will be helpful to my asthma. Oh well, I guess I'll deal, he's my baby. :) And, I can't exactly sleep with him yowling outside the door either.

So, it's 8 a.m. and I'm awake and I don't have to be at work till 12. Hmmm, what to do.

Errr, so that's kind of a pain...

2005-10-24T23:21:00.000-04:00

Let me get this straight... if I don't have the picture hosted anywhere else, I have to put it in here to be able to have the url to make it my picture. And why can't they just let me upload a picture to use? Or am I just being blonde and making this more difficult than it is? I don't know.

I've given in...

2005-10-24T22:41:00.000-04:00

A new blog for a new... okay, so, the same me... haha, whatever works. After returning to find that my most recent post had weird question marks added in for no apparent reason, and that not even my ribbon header was showing up anymore, I decided it was time to abandon blog.com; as most intelligent people I know had already done. :) I stuck with it because I don't really do much fancy with it, so it served the purpose until it basically stopped working altogether.

T is continuing to grow on me, in spite of my best efforts. Is it weird to like someone that's in jail? Is it bad to like someone that's in jail? I don't know. I very nearly crashed and burned at work last night. I was waaay overloaded with tables compared to what I'm capable of, and T really saved my butt helping me out. And we're still so much alike it's ridiculous. You know the thing about finishing each other's sentences... it's just weird. I swear we have the exact same thoughts a lot of the time.

Actually talked to J some last night when we both closed; I was proud of myself. Yes, I worked a double yesterday and somehow got volunteered to close as well (I was not listed as a closer on the schedule, I'm still not sure how that happened). Despite all that I was in a surprisingly good mood by the end of the evening.

Still in some weird emotional funk, but on the bright side I'm loving the weather. It was a little on the chilly side today. I want to have a bonfire, and a hayride, and do lovely outdoor fall things. I love being able to wear my favorite sweatshirt again, finally!